Valentine's Day Sucks. I Get it Already - February 14, 2007

(Reconditioning Batteries)

Wow! Look at all the people who are emailing me with shit like "Happy Obligation Day!" or "Happy Fake, Overcommercialized, Sucks-to-be-single, Pretend Love Day!" You are all so smart. I feel like I just opened my eyes for the first time, man. I mean, how did you even come up with that shit? You are so socially aware that it's intimidating. Valentine's Day is a pile of shit? It's a holiday that has been pummel fucked by retailers and marketers into a money machine? Holy crap, what else do you know? Is Fox News really not fair and balanced? Man, your take on life is something else. Does George Dubyah suck?! What is the deal with airplane peanuts?!? You need to write a book. Seriously.

Wait...we are getting a special bulletin from our roving reporters. This just in - this is you.

Do you think that you are doing the world a service with your wacky, alternative spin on life? No, you are repeating what every other rational human being is saying and thinking, you fucking lemming. Even if you weren't, do you think that you are really going to make some love starved girl violently finger fucking herself to every Kay's Jewelers commercial that airs in the middle of Maui Fever release her white knuckled grip on a Vermont Teddy Bear catalog and come to terms with reality? Do you think that you are going to help some pimple faced, sex starved boyfriend understand that he shouldn't have to spend $1,000 on a romantic dinner and a fucking tennis bracelet to get the big stink on his hang down?! OF COURSE NOT. Do you think that you are being witty? Do your friends think you are funny when you say shit like that? Maybe, if they are stupid like you are, otherwise they are giggling only to be polite.

Why don't you go watch Dennis Leary and George Carlin stand up specials on your TiVo to beef up your MySpace bulletin prowess while I take the Pomeranian with the red ribbon sitting in a basket of Hershey's Kisses at your front door, stuff him in a blender with some blueberries and drink him like a fucking smoothie in front of you. I hope you die in a fire.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Posted by KungFu Mike at 11:39 AM

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I liked the "Happy Obligation Day" thing. That was funny dude. Keep up the stuff...ya know, yeah.

Posted by: Wayland at February 14, 2007 12:03 PM

Agreed. Fuck 'em.

Posted by: at February 14, 2007 04:12 PM

I pretty much had this same argument with someone yesterday. Stick it to 'em, Mike!

Posted by: Dabby at February 15, 2007 06:18 AM

I swear to god, I will disguise video of people sounding themselves as Lesbian porn and mail it to you untill your eyes bleed if you don't hurry the fuck up and post about what was in Aunt Laura's box.

Posted by: Scootah at February 15, 2007 07:16 AM

Somebody's in a good mood.

Posted by: Theresa at February 15, 2007 10:44 AM

Fucking Virgins

Posted by: Zach at February 15, 2007 11:09 AM

Yeah. DIAF.

Posted by: Pi at February 16, 2007 09:44 AM

You never mentioned...

Happy Vaginiatimes Day.

Posted by: Testify at February 16, 2007 10:51 AM

Where is my mix tape of 80s love songs, dammit?!

Posted by: ChingChong at February 26, 2007 08:09 PM

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