Tales from the Road, Day 1 - April 1, 2006

(Reconditioning Batteries)


I flew into Philly at around 9:30 last night. The uber-gay male flight attendant kept feeding me Miller Lights and giving me weird looks...as if I'm not enough afraid of flying as it is, now I have to fend off Christopher Lowell with a drink cart at 55,000 feet. Beautiful.

After stepping off of the plane, I waited outside of the baggage claim for a my ride, smoking cigarettes and eying the creepy homeless lady that kept staring at my duffle bag and lighting the wrong end of her cigarette. This went on for about an hour; for some reason, the girl that was picking me up couldn't figure out which gate I was at. It all made sense when she finally arrived. I got in her car, she took off...and proceeded to spark a gorilla finger-sized joint and smoke it to her head in front of me.

We finally made it to the book signing afterparty at a place called the Blarney Stone. Tucker stumbled out all shitfaced and gave me the grand tour of my new home for the next month; the RV. My bed is the little cubby hole directly above the driver's cockpit that people tend to smuggle Mexican immigrants in, it's awesome. I'll start taking bets now on how long it's going to take before I roll out of that thing shitfaced and faceplant on the kitchen counter.

We both headed into the bar, I drank at least a baker's dozen of $1 Jack and cokes and ended up babysitting my drunk and stoned airport chaffeur until she could drive home. Around 4 am, Tucker decides that he can't sleep because he had too much Red Bull (pussy), so we were going to drive directly to our next stop right then and there; Richmond, VA.

About 80 miles from our destination, Tucker spotted a Chik-Fil-A sign off the highway. His eyes lit up like a junkie's would if he was doing laundry and found a long lost crack rock in one of his socks. I've never seen anyone eat like that in my life, that mother fucker ate three chicken, bacon and egg breakfast sandwiches in a five minute span, all slathered in mayo and ketchup. It was like watching someone let a starving pitbull lose in a hospital nursery.

Well, that's all for now. I'm currently at one of Tucker's buddy's apartment, freshly showered and nursing a beer before we head to the next signing in a few minutes. I'm going to try and post a new blog every day while I'm on the tour, complete with pictures and all that happy horseshit.


Posted by KungFu Mike at 3:21 PM

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