Ruh Roh! Rou Rust Rhit Rourself, RungRu Rike! - October 31, 2007

(Reconditioning Batteries)

I woke up this morning with the restless feeling you get when you immediately remember that you have an exorbitant amount of things to accomplish that day. As I slipped out of bed to shut the alarm off just before it started to beep, I felt it -- the most urgent need to shit that I have ever felt in my life. It wasn't your normal "Oh, I should try to sit on the toilet at some point this hour" kind of need, but more the "If you don't launch yourself into the bathroom right now, you are going to spackle the lower half of your body with viscous, off-colored feces" kind of need. Apparently all of the running and horrible health food eating was starting to make my normal morning poopy time an anxiety causing, explosive, browner than usual jihad.

I squeezed my cheeks together and tip-toed through my bedroom door, my head lowered and my breathing heavy in concentration as I made my way to the cold tiled Nirvana a few steps away. Just as I was about to turn the knob, I heard the shower running. Then I heard my friend/roommate coughing in his bedroom, which made me realize that my worst nightmare was coming true; I had to shit and my friend's girlfriend, the girl who will stand in the shower until she prunes, was in my bathroom. This meant that I had to wait another 30 minutes at least before I would be able to evacuate my bowels. I tip-toed back into my bedroom and shut my door.

I turned the TV on in the hopes that it would distract me from the boiling turd monster that was attacking my sphincter with a sledgehammer. Scooby Doo was whining about something to Shaggy as I dropped to the floor in the fetal position, literally holding my ass cheeks together to stop the flood from breaking the dam. My butthole was too tired to do it by itself. I squirmed and moaned on the carpet, chanting "no, no, no, no, no", waiting to hear the metal on metal sound of the shower curtain rings against the rod, signaling that I could finally stop torturing myself. I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Finally, as a last ditch effort, I decided to get up and ask to use the bathroom in my friend's bedroom. When I stood up, I realized that I couldn't control myself in that posture and a walnut sized amount of poop came out of my ass. I moved my hands from pinching my ass cheeks to cupping my actual asshole to keep any more from coming out. My stomach was killing me and I was sweating like a Swede in a sauna. I had tears in my eyes and there was no holding it in any longer. That was it -- I had to shit right then and there.

Acting quickly, I flung my closet doors open and grabbed three t-shirts and a Von's plastic shopping bag that I was using for a waste paper basket. I laid two of the t-shirts on the ground on top of each other, ripped my boxer shorts off, squatted over my makeshift puppy pad and exhaled for the first time in what seemed like hours. It took about 7 seconds for me to take the dump and when I looked down, I saw a neat, almost too perfect pile of coiled shit, the only inconsistency was that it was yellowish and that it didn't even smell as bad as I thought it was going to. "This must be what vegan shit looks like!" I chuckled to myself. Relief quickly turned into shame as it dawned on me that I had just shit on my bedroom floor like some kind of corn fed mongoloid that broke into Grampy's Citrucel.

I quickly wiped my ass with the third t-shirt, threw it on top of the shit along with my boxers and tied it all up like a hobo's bindle before jamming it into the Von's bag, finally tying it in three knots to seal Pharaoh Poopy into his recycled plastic tomb. I opened my panoramic bedroom window to bring in the fresh ocean air, threw some clothes on and ran outside with the shit bindle as fast as I could. After touchdown spiking the bag in the BFI dumpster outside of the condo and running back inside, I sat down at my laptop and laughed myself back into tears as I turned back to the TV and saw Scooby Doo and company being chased by some brown, muddy monster through a haunted house.

Posted by KungFu Mike at 10:54 AM

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HAHAHAHAHAHAH! I shouldn't have read this at work.

Can't. Stop. Laughing.

Posted by: Sanku at October 31, 2007 11:21 AM

Good job, i have never known anybody who shit on their own bedroom floor on purpose.

Posted by: JohnDSTL at October 31, 2007 11:28 AM

That is one of the funniest things I've read in a long time.

Posted by: Anon at October 31, 2007 04:56 PM

Best shitting story I ever heard!

Posted by: Pete at October 31, 2007 07:56 PM

Dude that's awesome. The T-shirt solution = Quick thinking at its best. Kinda reminds me a little too much of your protege Tucker's Embassy Suites shit debacle, but this story is well-written and very funny in its own right. Shitting on my bedroom floor is something I have yet to experience

Posted by: Johnny at October 31, 2007 10:39 PM

I haven't laughed that hard in weeks. Thanks.

Posted by: marcus at November 1, 2007 11:00 AM

Eat a big plate of steamed veggies and a fiber drink like Citracel or Medamusel(sp). It will create a weapon of mass deuce-struction that will challenge an industrial toilet.

Good read. You should have dropped kick that door open to renew your "Kung Fu" membership card.

Posted by: Tommy Gunn at November 2, 2007 01:13 PM

Dude everybody is looking at me like I'm some kid of retard because I've just spent the last few minutes snorting and unsuccessfully stifling mongoloid-ish giggling.

Thanks a lot Mike

Posted by: GK at November 4, 2007 12:41 PM

Come on man, the frequent updates were great. You're really dropping the ball now dude, keep up the spurt of output.

Even if it is just to say you cracked...

Posted by: TastingMusic at November 8, 2007 06:23 PM

You know, my view of you singing on the couch into the hookah was just replaced by the beautiful image of you and your perfect pile of coiled poop. Sweet.

Posted by: Anonymous at November 25, 2007 06:52 PM


Posted by: AK at November 28, 2007 01:08 AM

Wowzers... I would've just worn the sack like a feed bag for my ass but you had the foresight to lay down the shirts and everything.

Posted by: JC at December 12, 2007 12:32 PM

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