Ode to the Girls of G4 - April 20, 2007

(Reconditioning Batteries)

First and foremost -- thanks for being patient with me, kids. I've been super busy the past few weeks, and now I have a new screenplay project on my lap, and that baby just don't stop cryin'. I'm going to try to make myself more available for you, and I think that we should all go to a family therapy session to work this out. We have to stick together; we're family! I'm kidding. Go fuck yourself.


I cannot stop watching lately. I don't understand it. I'm pretty sure that my version of hell is going to be me strapped to a chair in a small, dark room while Adam "Marble Mouth" Sessler does that ridiculous hunchback shoulder shrug of his with his hands in his pockets while he reads in its entirety over and over again as delivered to him on a teleprompter. I mean, I'm not even a gamer. Well, I play video games here and there when the weather is shitty, but I'm way far out of the loop. To put this into context -- I finally beat Halo 2. Last week.

"This is Adam Sessler, and today we are going to review my neck bolts here on X-Play."

I couldn't understand it for the longest time, but that didn't stop me from having G4 on the TV behind me as I wrote on any given day.

Recently I've come to the conclusion that part of the reason I watch G4 is because I feel like I get to relive a point in time when video games were the most exciting thing in my life. I remember my mother coming to pick me up from my friend's house when I was knee-high to a grasshopper, and she would have to literally pry my hands off of the Nintendo controller and carry my kicking and screaming ass out to the car. I remember making my own Street Fighter II strategy guide out of construction paper and colored pencils because we were too poor to buy the GamePro version at the bookstore. Actually, we were too poor to buy the Super Nintendo as well, but my mom would rent one for me at Video Update every now and then if I kept out of trouble. (Dim lights, cue violins, commence bawling).

The other reason I watch (and probably the only reason why most of you basement dwellers do) is for the female hosts. There is something ridiculously arousing about an unfathomably attractive girl talking nerdy to me. Like I said, I barely play video games so I barely know what the fuck they are talking about at any given moment, but every word out of their collective mouth is like a little cherub fluttering through my TV and landing on my ear to whisper something so perfectly naughty that I have to take my jeans off in order to keep my hard-on from ripping through them.

Of course, there is a hierarchy of awesome when it comes to the women of G4. This hierarchy was actually discovered in the clay pots that held the , so don't get mad at me if you don't agree; take it out on God. Or your bedridden grandmother. No one will hear either of them scream, so have at it.

4) Kristin Holt.

This is the host of Cheat, a G4 program that deals exclusively with showing kids how to beat video games, saving households across the country millions of dollars in broken controller replacements and Zoloft prescriptions. This show serves a dual purpose, that purpose being to make me come up with new excuses to tell the woman next to me at the laundromat why my load consists entirely of tube socks.

Kristin was also a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader at one point in her life, which leads me to believe that she was synthesized in an underground hot nerd factory to be the flagship model that the rest of the product line would have to follow. From what I understand, the other hot nerd-bots took offense to this, and burned down the factory in an attempt to destroy her. Kristin escaped, and now she splits her time between hosting her show and fending off assassination attempts made by her former shelf buddies, Natalie Portman and Aisha Tyler.

3) Morgan Webb

KungFu Mike, meet Morgan Webb. Morgan Webb, meet KungFu Mike's unabashed lust.

Morgan is the senior segment producer of X-Play and co-hosts alongside Adam FrankenSessler (seriously, what the fuck is wrong with his posture?I mean, he's pretty funny, but It's like his top seven vertebrae were fused together in some kind of scientific experiment gone wrong). He has been on G4 since 2004, with her and Adam being the only two personalities to survive the merger between G4 and Tech TV.

Now that I have lulled you into a statistical, boredom-induced hypnosis, I will take this time to talk about how hot Morgan Web is, and how I would like to tie her up with my X-Box controllers and have my way with her. I don't care how much it would hurt to get a hand job from those Cheetohs' crumb-encrusted nerd fingers of hers, it would be worth it.

Oh wait, you aren't hypnotized?! Umm, oh. Ok, well...how about those, uhhhhhh, Red Sox. Yeah, that's what I meant to talk about. Quit giving me that weird look. Jesus.

2) Layla Kayleigh

I'm not even going to bother writing anything of any value here. I mean, Christ, look up. Couple this with the fact that she has a British accent and that she's extremely short, and you have me shopping for used baby backpacks on eBay. That's right, Layla -- I'm pretty and I'll give you piggyback rides all over Hollywood. Call me.

1) Olivia Munn

Olivia, I just want to take you out on a rowboat, far across a lake at sunset and play "Sailing" by Christopher Cross to you on an acoustic guitar while you sip champagne and....wait, what's that? Is that a ring at the bottom of the glass? I think it is, Olivia. I think it is.

Saaaaaiiiiilllllling -- take me awaaaayyyyyyy to where I've always neeeded to beeeee...

Posted by KungFu Mike at 10:38 AM

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i agree wholeheartedly. as a video game nerd, seeing girls like this gives me hope that one day my wii remote will connect with another girls wii console.

Posted by: nick at April 20, 2007 01:31 PM

I'm surprised you are just now in the loop on this. Those G4 women are ridiculously hot. What I find ironic is that I play a lot of video games, yet watch very little of G4. Quite the opposite of yourself. Yet after this blog I have this sudden urge to watch more G4.

Posted by: at April 20, 2007 01:45 PM

I go to college with an incredibly good-looking girl who owns all when it comes to Halo 2. If anyone reads this post then I'll let you know that her rating is a 30. I personally don't know what it means other than she's better than my friends. I suck worse than anyone though. I bet you could beat me Mike. Sweet blog post.

Posted by: Wayland at April 20, 2007 02:38 PM

Call me crazy but I think Morgan Webb looks kinda manly.

Posted by: Anonymous at April 20, 2007 02:54 PM

Don't listen to him/her, Morgan. He/she doesn't know what he/she's talking about. I think your jawline is pretty. Let's spoon.

Posted by: KungFu Mike at April 20, 2007 03:27 PM

Morgan Webb has gorgeous eyes. And I would kill to have her tummy.

She is not manly, I've seen manly. Trust me, I know. My hobby is checking other females out and then bashing them or praising them for their features. Because thats what us catty women do best.

Posted by: Ninja at April 20, 2007 04:20 PM

I didnt know layla had a face until now. Thanks for the mamories.

I wish they'd show more of kristens awesome hips.

I think morgan should go back blonde/short hair. too many damned brunettes on the channel.

Posted by: Ian at April 21, 2007 11:03 AM



Posted by: John at April 23, 2007 03:06 PM

Morgan Webb has a penis. What's wrong with you?

Posted by: Timmy at April 29, 2007 01:19 AM

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