Not Very Sober in Champaign, IL - December 2, 2006

(Reconditioning Batteries)

This is actually an excerpt from Tucker's blog. I would write up my own version of the events that transpired in Champaign, but this is pretty much dead on. The only thing I would change is down where Tucker makes fun of the Asian girls; I yelled, "THIS IS WHY ROUND EYE WILL ALWAYS DOMINATE YOU!!" and they both slapped me in the face.

Thanks: To Tom who from this point forward will forever be known as TheLittlestRanger, and to everyone at The Booze News who helped me set this up and promote it, I appreciate it. And of course, thanks to Kams, I've honestly never had bottle service at a dive bar before. That was awesome.
Highlights of the stop: Overall, this stop went pretty smoothly. A nice turnout, the people were for the most part cool, and the bar staff was great.

The fun actually started after the signing was finished. This one girl came up and brought me a package, covered in SpiderMan stickers, with the name "SlingBlade" written on it. Mike and I damn near choked. I told the girl I won't open it, and that I'll deliver it to him, so that's what I'll do. I cannot wait to see whats in there.

Then these two Asian girls introduced themselves. They had me sign all sorts of stupid trinkets of theirs, bracelets and assorted other useless crap. I got tired of that quick, and so I signed the last few with things like "Whore." For some reason, this freaked her out, and she started blabbering on and on. I couldn't stop laughing at her, she reminded me of the villains in every kung-fu movie.

Tucker "I will defeat your WorthlessWhore style with my BrokenBeerBottle kung-fu!"

She didn't get it. Thankfully, the guys at the table behind us, who referred to themselves as the "Second Place Table" occupied them.

The night was one of those where the drunk sneaks up on you. I started around 5 just drinking cheap beer, but around 9pm the owner of the bar brought out a bottle of Grey Goose, five cans of Red Bull, a carafe of cranberry juice, and a pitcher of ice. Bottle service? At a dive bar? Yep. I decided to drink a little too much of the vodka and got a bit drunk...and I'll let TheLittlestRanger tell the story (note: He was an actual Army Ranger, but is out now and going to UI). From an email he sent me this morning:

Good morning sweetheart. While I'm sure you have something of a memory about last night here's how the sober one saw it:

12:07: [This is the only hard time I have (I checked my watch as we were leaving) the rest are me guessing] You've decided that you want to leave. On the way out the door I ask you and Mike if either of you is ok to drive, Mike says no.

12:09: I take the keys from you. You are not happy about this fact and announce it by pissing all over the drivers side door of your SUV, including the side mirror that you then hit with your hand. I'm already in the car and get a chuckle out of it. Mike is laughing his drunken ass off in the back.

12:10: You finally climb in and I put it in reverse only to have to stop because of the police car that just made a turn and is right behind me. It now seems like a good idea that I made you give me the keys.

12:11: I realize you left the brights on right as I turn in behind the cop. I don't know if you would have noticed but I know cops hate SUV brights at midnight on Fat Tuesday, it appears me driving is a good idea again.

12:16: Mike tires to get Laura and the rest of the Booze News girls to meet us at your hotel room, it doesn't work.

12:18: We arrive at the Hotel. Apparently I didn't park the SUV right. According to you it must hit the curb with authority, "That's how a man parks." You get in the truck and make the on the spot correction.

12:20: KungFu Mike decides that he has not practiced his kick forms in a while and starts kicking the side of the SUV to dent it, he does not suceed. You call him weak and start to kick it yourself, you do not suceed either. Not to be out done by KungFu Mike you jump on the hood and roof of the SUV in hopes you'll dent the SUV. Nothing. KungFu Mike tells you to get down and instead you jump on the roof, prompting him to say for the third time that night "28 Days man, I've had to put up with this shit for 28 days!"

12:25: I turn my back to you and start BSing with KungFu Mike and all of a sudden I hear screaching tires and turn to see the SUV curb hop the first curb cross the street and then other curb, spin around and pull into another parking space. Apparently you didn't like my choice of parking space and elected to chose a new one. Mike shakes his head as you get out of the SUV arms raised in triumph.

12:27: The rent a cops saw you and they are not happy and start yelling at you. I grab the keys out of your hands and go over to talk to them. At first I thought it was a guy but it turned out to be the nastiest butch bull dyke I've ever seen.

"IS THIS YOUR TRUCK!?!?!?" The Dyke asks "I'm gonna call the cops, what the fuck where you thinking, you broke..." I tune her out as it flashes into my head to choke her out. I decide against this, she has a radio and she knows what the truck looks like, how many SUV's with NY plates are there. Fortunatly I'm sober and I wasn't driving.

Ranger: "Ma'am (oh so far you are in when you are calling a bull dyke maam) I'm sorry I don't know what happen. I didn't know he had the keys, I turned and all of a sudden the truck's moving."
BD: "Is he on drugs, is he drunk!?" Her anger is not subsiding and I'm starting to get annoyed with you for making have to put up with this shit.
Ranger: (taking a page out of your Duke defense lawyer theory told to me earlier last night)- "Maam I don't know. I was talking to a friend I turned around and it just happened. I'll move the truck, we don't want any trouble and I'll make sure he stays in the Hotel for the rest of the night..."
BD: "You goddamn better! I should have your ass right now. Fucking pulling that sort of shit..."
Ranger: "Maam YOUR TRUCK!" I cut her off because the BD had gotten out of her truck so fast she didn't put it all the way into park but put it in neutral and her rent a cop vehicle was starting to roll away. She quickly runs as fast as her fat dyky legs will carry her (about two miles an hour) and puts the truck in park. I try not out right laugh as all of this happens and some how suceed.
BD: "You see how mad I am." Like I really give a shit, this comment is not helping me not laugh at her "You better move this goddamn truck or I'm gonna..."
Ranger: "I'll move it right now." I cut her off as I get in the truck, hoping you didn't piss on the door handle as I do it. The BD is muttering something under her breath the whole time.

I get the truck back to it's original parking spot. I first check for you in the restaurant right by the hotel and then see you walking back towards the truck. I give you the short sketch of what happens, this would now be the third time I saved your ass that night.

I get you back up to your room and give Mike the keys "Don't give these to him until tomorrow moring." I get a North and South from Mike. He's on the phone and I ask him if it's the calming goddess Bunny. He says no but this prompts you to ask if I'd like to speak to her and then call Bunny. She sounds dead to the world."

Posted by KungFu Mike at 3:56 PM

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Wow, this is a truly amazing story. You write just like Tucker Max, but without the talent or humor. If you insist on using a "Tucker Max Ad-libs" approach to storytelling, at least try to make the words you insert vaguely unique.

Posted by: Anonymous at December 14, 2006 07:46 AM

Wrong. the truly amazing part about this is that you failed to read the very beginning of the entry, which clearly states -- IN BOLD TEXT -- that I didn't write it. "A" for effort, though.

Posted by: KungFu Mike at December 14, 2006 06:56 PM

I guess that's why they knew not to release their name to you. What did SlingBlade get in his package? There is a lot of stuff from the book signing that hasn't been told : p

Posted by: Wayland at January 8, 2007 10:38 PM

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