MySpace Slut of the Week; Jessica - December 4, 2006

(Reconditioning Batteries)

Ladies and gentleman - Myspace is chock full o' sluts.

It's true. I know, I know, this is huge news. I was shocked to hear this for the first time myself, but upon further review I couldn't deny the headlines, what with display names such as DoNtchA WiSh yO GurL wUz HoT LyKe mE?, main pictures featuring nothing but a thong-clad ass and the trademark "bi" sexual orientation accompanying the trademark swinger status in the personal details section. Let's face it, this online community is a safe haven for attention starved harlots who have managed to pry their glazed eyes open after BukakkeFest 06 to jump on their computers and announce to the world that, like 7-11, they are open 24 hours a day and arent picky about the quality of customers coming in (and on, bada-bing!) for business.

What we like to do here at Myspace Slut of the Week is to pay tribute to the biggest whores in Whoresville with an in depth profiling, delving deep into the personal lives of each eHooker and what they are doing when they aren't on their backs. Or in the shower at your local Salvation Army. Or steaming up the windows in the back of an IROC. Or in the bathroom stall at Pizza Hut.

So without further adieu, on behalf of our sponsors over at Valtrex and Silly Devil C-Section Scalpels, I would like to present to you our flagship; the first edition in what will undoubtedly become required reading for numbers reaching into the high teens - ladies and gentleman, please meet

Jessica hails from the great city of Nashua, New Hampshire, and when she isn't tantalizing men and women alike with her sassy attitude and her dreamcatcher collection, she can be seen occasionally taking care of her children in between fornicating on the hood of her Fiero or renaming one of dozens of stray cats that she has taken under her cellulite-addled wing.

Jennifer's Details:
Status: In a Relationship
Here for: Networking
Orientation: Bi
Hometown: Currently Nashua
Body type: 5' 1" / Average
Ethnicity: White / Caucasian
Religion: Wiccan
Zodiac Sign: Aquarius
Smoke / Drink: Yes / Yes
Children: Proud parent
Education: Some college
Occupation: Employment Specialist
Income: $30,000 to $45,000

Easy fellas, I know the Wiccan part is enough to make you want to drive into her government assisted neighborhood, but the In a Relationship bit ends up leaving you high and dry - HAHAHAHAHAH! Who am I kidding? Every light is green on Crotch Cheese Avenue.

Even though her basic credentials alone nearly qualify her for sainthood, what makes Jennifer really really special isn't her fiber optic flower collection or her airbrushed pastel sweatshirt wardrobe. She actually happens to be quite the writer, showcasing her work in the blog section of her profile. What kind of work, you ask? Fiction. Erotic fiction.

Since we at Slut of the Week are huuuuuuuuge fans of literature and love to spread the words of great authors around when we can, we decided to pool our money together and buy the Slut Smasher 4000 (not to be confused with the Jumbled New Jersey Guido Propelled Rant to English Decoder), a giant machine we use to help us extrapolate the key themes and thoughts behind the author's work; line for line, paragraph for paragraph...and what better way to Christen our latest purchase than to use it on a choice segment of one of Jennifer's masterfully penned tales, specifically one entitled A Day Off of Work.

A day off of work
Current mood: dirty
Category: Writing and Poetry

A day off of work for and little to do.

I got laid off and I ran out of food to eat.

My meeting wasnt for a couple of hours.

I had an appointment at Planned Parenthood to get my genital warts removed with acid compound. I postponed it so I could stay at home and masturbate with a turkey leg.

Master was out on the field working.

Master = dad, field = my underwear drawer, working = wearing my panties like a Roman war helmet.

Finished going through my email and online work. Realizing I was somewhat sexually aroused from several online websites that had been in my history from the days previously.

After purusing through www.eddiemoney.com I realized that I had soaked right through my stonewashed L.E.I. jeans with the elastic cuffs. Oh well, I was looking for an excuse to try on my new set of lavender stirrup pants. Santa was good to me this year, what can I say?

I went to my draw that housed my assortment of toys.

Is it draw or drawer? Who knows, all I know is that it's in my daughters room. Good thing I gave her that box of wine tonight, she's sleepin' like a baby. Which is good, because she is a baby.

I grabbed my favorite vibrator and went back to my computer chair and proceeded to revisit the most recent adult website.

Which is

I started trying to find some short videos that arouse me even more and with doing that I removed my pajama pants and panties.

I didn't want to alert daddy that I was getting naked (he'd be all over my gunt like Child Services on, well...on me) so I crept my Kathy Lee Collection stretch pants over my adult diaper as to reduce crinkling.

Then I started to rub my vibrator up and down my pussy lips.

My vibrator ran out of batteries, so I grabbed the electric egg beaters out of the kitchen and went to town.

With that my clit started to awaken and become hard spreading my lips slightly. Once I found a video of a chick being fucked by two men with enormous cocks I turned my vibrator on low.

I set the egg beaters to puree and whipped myself into a frenzy.

I ran the tip of the vibrator up and down my pussy ever so softly teasing myself. Back and forth and, up and down.

The attachments scraped the walls of my Rhinoceros vagina like an 18 wheeler sideswiping a jersey barrier on I-95. Luckily, my crotch gets more traffic than I-95 and the calluses that have built up over the years acted as a shield against the angry machines sexual advances.

And every time the video feed stopped I would reconnect and play it over and over again.

This also gave me time to flip my Iced Earth cassette tape to side B.

My breathing had slowed down.

All the exercise from pummel-fucking myself with kitchen appliances made my sad excuse for a heart start palpitating. Nothing a handful of pound cake and a Diet Coke couldnt solve, of course.

And with my chest moving deeper and deeper I started rubbing my breasts.

My computer chair legs began to creak and moan out of sheer torture as I writhed around like a manatee that had just been clipped by a set of boat propellers.

My nipples started becoming aroused. Running my finger nails over them as they pressed firmly against the cotton blouse I had left on.

Pressing the vibrator a little more firmly on my little nub started making me wet. Slowly sliding my chilled fingers down my blouse and raising the vibrator to my lips made me hungry for more. Running my tongue around the vibrating head, my lips opening widely to welcome the toy to rest on my warm tongue. As I slid it in my lips closed around it and my tongue pressed against it and started rubbing it. The hum in my mouth instantly made me warm and wetter. I felt my pussy muscles clench deep inside. Hungry for more I slowly withdrew the vibrator from the warmth of my mouth and slid it over my lower lip giving it one last lick.

Fortunately, I had left some of the pound cake batter on the electric beaters, providing me with a much needed snack as I went to town on my slop box with the remaining attachment. Dinner AND a show.

Running the vibrator down my chin over my throat towards my exposed breasts. Teasing my nipples with the head.

The beaters got stuck between the chin closest to my face and the third chin from my linebacker-esque neck. After prying them free with a little warm water, I began assaulting my sausage link nipples.

I increased the speed of the vibrator slightly.

We went from "puree" to "whip".

Moving over towards my other bare nipple pressing firmer with the purple head. A slight moan rushed passed my lungs. I wanted this, I reset the video to play the buxom blond laying on a kitchen counter spread eagle as this well hung man rammed his 9 inch plus cock into her bare pussy.

Mom's wedding reception video never gets old.

Thinking to myself how good this looked and hot I started feeling. How I needed a fuck right now, listening to her being fucked moans coming from both individuals. I had never heard my entrance door open and shut. I was so into the pleasure I was giving myself both physically and mentally as I watched in lust to the screen of my computer. Slowly I slid the vibrator over my tummy my lips gyrating against mere air.

My fupa jiggled like a flesh colored waterbed as I rested the appliance on it to eat a pastrami sub, which actually turned out to me the reflection of my own vagina in the mirror in front of me. Dissapointed, I resumed going elbow deep inside of myself and gumming up my mouse with my filthy fingers, coated in Pepperidge Farm crumbs and whatever else was leaking out of me.

Craving and wanting made me oblivious of the settings around me. I lowered my vibrator over my pussy teasing myself all the more, replaying the clip. I touched the slippery entrance of my pussy with the very tip. A deeper moan rumbled through me as my eyes rolled. I whispered a soft yes as the toy slide nicely inside me. Grinding my vib deep inside. My hand against my bare lips my thumb finds the very hard clit. Pressing it firmly I start to rub it. As the hum of the little motor rumbles inside me I start to slid it out and quickly run it deep inside me. Back and forth I continue this motion as I roll my nipples between my fingers every once in a while I click the connection speed to view the video.

It was just like playing Simon. Except smellier.

My hand movements quicken in speed and intensity. As my nipples get squeezed more firmly. I start rocking my hips onto my hand slightly as I ride against that firm plastic deep inside me. My orgasm growing profoundly from the grinding and vibrating. Eyes closed, another moan and groan slides out

As did a handful of Jolly Ranchers and a tampon from 1997.

yes, fuck me softly saying to myself. My orgasm rips through my body and I ram myself with my delicious vibrator. A deep moan comes out of me as well.

Fuck me, Chef Boyardee! You can put that Beefaroni anywhere you want! Oh! Oooh! Ooooooooooooh!! Uh oh, Spaghettiooooooooos!!

As my body tightens up.

(which is obviously a blatant fabrication)

A slow and suttle sigh flows out smoothly from my soul as I withdrew the sticky wet vib. A satifying sound as I run my tongue of the toy. My eyes start to flutter open as they did I had a feeling as if I was seen. As my vision cleared, startled I noticed I had been seen. Master had been standing in the doorway.

Daddy had been yanking his crank with my undies on his head the whole time.

Gasped I quickly tried to regain my breath. Falling over my own words I asked, how long have you been standing there? noticing a bulge in the front of his jeans feeling the warmth of a pink color rush over my face. Long enough! he muttered.

As he stuffed a fistful of Redman tobacco into his gap toothed mouth through the massive leg hole in the skidmarked panties on his face.

yes? I replied uncertain if he had been displeased or not. Long enough to see my pet missed me he continued. As he moved closer eyeing what was on my computer screen he announced, what does my dirty little slut have here? I slowly rose out of my chair to meet him only to find his hand on my shoulder. As we met he lowered me back to my seat I locked my eyes on to him. Looking deeply at him trying to decide was there anger or pleasure in what he had witnessed. And how much did he witness I wondered. His eyes were locked onto the screen before him. He replayed the clip again. Looked at it for a few seconds then he looked at me. Once his eyes say the large breasted woman getting her pretty pussy fucked his eyes met mine. He said, You like that huh?

Yeah, daddy. I like that.

That little hottie getting what you want?

Oh wait, I thought you were talking about the can of frosting on the counter. Um, I guess the dirty video is pretty OK.

I nodded my head. He had me so mesmerized. The simple nod was all I could do. I was still in shock from being caught in the act of self pleasure with a dirty movie to boot. His hand came up to my face and held it as I stared into his eyes searching for some sign as to what he was thinking. Nothing, I obtained nothing as his hand went down my chest he pulled on my still erect nipples. His touch felt electric. My head slowly fell back against my chair. Never unlocking our eyes he squeezed my nipples in his fingers. As he watched what his touch did to my body I saw the corners of his lips curl up in a sly smile.

Daddy finally realized that my nipples were in fact not Jimmy Dean sausages and stopped yanking on them. I explained to him that he probably got confused because when I sweat it smells like Denny's.

Exhibit C; Also known as 300 lbs. of oatmeal poured into a trash bag.

With relief coming over my body I grew aroused again. I softly say, I missed you Master. Wasnt expecting this pleasant surprise. He replied I see that what you say is true. His hand roamed down my belly

A long, treacherous journey, plagued with obstacles like chicken bones, shitty pewter jewelry and a belly button ring that was actually used as a cast iron door knocker for a Scottish castle at one point.

down to my very wet pussy. His fingers slid right over my clit so nicely and down right into my pulsing pussy. My muscles still convulsing from the orgasm that I had previously. His finger slid in nicely one then two.

Before you knew it, daddy was shoulder deep in me. Everything was great until I queefed, that's when he started convulsing and foaming at the mouth. As it turns out, youre supposed to take the little 'un out AFTER you do the swishy thing with the coat hanger.

With that his smile widened. Very wet! And nice and tight! he said.

Tight. Lie number 2.

Uh huh! a little nod I tenderly said. He turned his body to face me more which brought his bulge eye level to me. My eyes staring and what he had put directly in front of me. I licked my lips as I enjoyed the view and found my mouth watering from the sight.

Daddy always liked to tease me by stuffing prime rib in his Wranglers, ever since I was a baby.

He watched me and took his fingers out of me rubbing the front of his pants You miss this master too do ya?he questioned me. I nodded my head never lowering my sight in front of me. His fingers found the zipper and slowly lowered it. He fished inside shifting body to reveal his swollen sex muscle.

Damn it. Fooled again.


Amazing. Simply amazing. This piece was so well written I almost felt like I was really inside of that disheveled, subsidized house, reeling from the stench of crotch rot and fetid kitty litter. If this is merely a taste of what Jennifer has to offer, I have a feeling that we are going to see her name on the cover of Harlequin novels in the discount bin of truck stop convenience stores everywhere.

Dearest Jessica, it my great honor and pleasure to award you with the Myspace Slut of the Week award. Along with your Golden Dildo statuette, you will also receive a gift basket including a coupon for $10 off at Wilsons Leather Outlet, two tickets for you and Master to see Tesla at the Worchester Palladium and all the Seagrams wine coolers your kids can drink.

Go now, Jessica. Go now and take your place as a role model for eWhores everywhere. *sniffle* You really are the Slut of the Week. *tear* God, I told myself I wasn't going to cry...*bawling*

Posted by KungFu Mike at 9:33 PM

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Ooh-ooh! I'm the first to comment EVARRR!

But I have nothing witty or substantial to add to this. Hmm. Sorry!

Posted by: at December 4, 2006 10:33 PM

funniest. thing. ever.

Posted by: at December 4, 2006 10:36 PM

Did you notice the little gremilin in the backround of the first pic? I always like to look at what is in the backround for some reason. This bitch needs to learn how to clean. And exercise.

Posted by: Katie at December 4, 2006 11:03 PM

"Exhibit C; Also known as 300 lbs. of oatmeal poured into a trash bag."

Jesus Christ....

That is one of the funniest descriptions i have ever heard.....

Posted by: at December 12, 2006 03:14 PM

ha, AWESOME! I don't know if you noticed, but if you read her little survey thing, scroll down to "goal i would like to achieve this year." It definitely says,"get my custody back' sweet jesus, she's a winner all around.

Posted by: anna at December 12, 2006 09:18 PM

I'd do her, even if I did find her passed out face down in the litter box.

Posted by: babyscrambler at December 12, 2006 09:35 PM

It's Worcester dick.

Posted by: Anonymous at December 13, 2006 02:38 AM

That comment was undoubtedly from Jessica or one of her leather pant-wearing friends in their early 40's. There are only two things that are awesome about Worcester, and the spelling isn't one of them.

1) The Palladium.

2) The fact that I don't have to live there.

Posted by: KungFu Mike at December 13, 2006 04:43 AM

mike PLEASE keep doing these they are so funny dude

Posted by: nick at December 14, 2006 03:34 PM

This makes me ashamed to be from Nashua...

Posted by: Morecowbell at December 14, 2006 06:27 PM

now thats some good shit. that bitch deserved that. keep up the good work.

Posted by: uscanaga at December 20, 2006 05:55 PM

That was one of the funniest things I've read online ever. Everything on this site is the fucking best thing ever.

Posted by: Kat at September 15, 2007 04:23 PM

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