Myspace Loser of the Week; Ken - December 2, 2006

(Reconditioning Batteries)

Hello children,

I'm sorry I didn't pump out another one of these bad boys over the past two days, I've been busy snazzing up in suits and interviewing for jobs like a total asshole. I know, I know...it surprises me that I am not being paid for Myspace Loser of the Day as well (God damn Communists wouldn't know a superstar bulletin if it gave them a reach around and a $20 bill).

It's funny that I just mentioned homo-erotic activity because it is a great lead in for my introduction of today's grand prize winner, not that the Myspace Loser of the Day admits whether he's into getting a face full of the baloney pony or not...but, well, you'll understand once we've gotten a chance to know him better.

Ladies and gentleman of the Myspace community, introducing a...man, yeah a man...wait, let me double check...

...ok, it is a man. I think. Let me start again.

Ladies and gentleman of the Myspace community, introducing a...man who certainly doesn't need an introduction as he was in today's "Cool New People" section right above your friends list all day today. A manly man who epitomizes the burly masculine lumberjack stereotype. A man who's testosterone count actually shatters medical equipment with every attempt to study it.

Boys and girls, lets give a round of applause for...!

OoOoOhHhHhhhh, KeN Ur HaWwTt!!!1! Ken is the coolest dude in the universe. Ken is a big multitasker, so big that he actually threw out his mattress and sleeps in a tanning booth. No shit, he just loves to be productive...so much so that his ass actually has three functions; 1) To stick needles full of 'roids into, 2) To wax, 3) To secretly finger when he comes home alone from a night of dancing with his dude friends at the coolest clubs. Ever. In fact, sometimes he combines numbers 2 and 3 because the sight of hot, melted wax dribbling all over his own naked ass that he just can't resist going knuckle-deep in his own chocolate love canal. Sometimes the action gets so wild that some of the wax flies everywhere. As you can see, it looks like some landed on his eyebrows.

"Nahhh d00d, I don't do none of that homo shit. I ain't no fag, buddy...no waxin' the eyebrows ova heahhh."

Oh, sorry Ken. I don't know what I was thinking.

"I will bench press the shit 0ut of y0u."

I said I was sorry, Ken. Sheesh, here's an appletini, why don't you sip this and calm down.

Great. As I was saying, Ken totally doesn't wax his eyebrows.

No really, he doesn't. He has eyebrows like Liza Minnelli's naturally.

But folks, Ken isn't all sunshine and rainbows, sometimes Ken can feel sad, down in the dumps even. I know that sounds crazy, but even the clubbiest of club thumping club-a-dub-a-dub-dubs can get their hearts broken...and if Ken's feelings were a window in your parent's house, that inevitable baseball that would come crashing through would be named "Juh-nette".

The only reason Ken even made his Myspace page was to relieve the heartache that "Juh-nette" gave him and to prove to the world once and for all how awesomely rad he is. From what I understand his "Enter" button is broken and the entire rant is jumbled into one meatnormous, cheesenormous paragraph. Here at the KungFu Mike headquarters we actually have a "Jumbled New Jersey Guido Propelled Rant to English Decoder" that I have run his Myspace page through to translate what Ken it trying to communicate with the universe...but more importantly "Juh-nette".

About me:

Im not doing this to meet new people, I'm doing this so that the world can see who you really are. Many will love me for this and few will hate me for it.

I am a big fucking baby and I can't get over you. Many will love me (hopefully dudes) for this and few (hopefully people with vaginas and/or books) will hate me for it.

Memorial weekend of 2004, I dove in head first into an unexpected journey of love and ultimately hate. I was blinded by the beauty of this petite yet full figured girl.

This happened like a year ago and I'm still talking about it. Anyway, I totally hooked up with this short, fat chick. It ruled. Whoops, I mean RuLd.

We fell "in love" quickly, at least I thought we did. Went through ups and downs, love and anger. Only in the end for me to face defeat by means of betrayal.

We went through ups and downs, ups being when I would blow my paycheck on Magnums of champagne at "da club" and downs being when I would 'roid rage if you didn't have my delipitory wax melted and I put your head through sheet rock.

You remember "B" it started in March.

This pre-suicidal note has been brought to you by the letter B and the number eleventeenhundredandinfinityplusone.

Your birthday, vacation and summer were all on it's way. A rough time in my life when I needed you.....but you weren't around because you wanted to be young and party right?

I don't know the difference between "it's" and "its". I lost my mirror and I had nobody to help me make sure I had waxed my ass properly. I had patches, "Juh-nette"...I HAD PATCHES!!!

....then why did you come running back after two months?...... yearning for me like a plant yearns for water to stay alive.

*Jumbled New Jersey Guido Propelled Rant to English Decoder Error Message 146: Plants Do Not Yearn. Hit Ctrl alt delete to continue*

You persisted, cried and begged your way back into my life. Who knows why?

I knows why. You ran out of money and knew that I would give you some more because I am a fragile little flower.

Did you get humped and dumped?

Because I got humped in the dumper. See, we still have some things in common. Please help me wax my ass.

I'll never know. But im open to stories fellas.

Fellas, that's not the only think I'm open to. Hit me on my T-Mobile Sidekick II. Holla.

Didn't i confidently tell you you would come back? I knew because partying with the girls, popping bottles at clubs and meeting new guys are all distractions that eventually fade away, like an intoxication fades away by the end of the night......then you have to face reality again.

The only thing I can tell you confidently is that I love scented candles and house music. Let me rephrase my question; Didn't I cry my eyes out and threaten to cut myself if you didn't hug me?! I knew because partying with the girls, popping bottles at clubs and meeting new guys are all distractions that eventually fade away, like my fantastic blowout haircut fades perfectly into my scalp.

And what was your reality? That none of your party girls or boys knew who you really were outside of a "hot" outfit and good club.

I can say this with a straight face because I am much more than a hot outfit and a good club...I am also very tan.

They didn't know about the falling apart of your family or the anxiety you received from school and work. Only I knew.... and only I had the power to heal your pain. None of your friends only me .... I embraced your loneliness and saddness with the strength and happiness that I gained when we were apart

That's why I walked up to your therapist and blasted him in the face, because he could not heal your pain...only I can. Then you had the audacity to go to church to try and get your life back together with Father Flannagan, man I fucked his shit UP, dog!! Those dudes don't got the stugots like I do, I take care of you boo, even if I cry and write about it in my Livejournal. So what, check out my sweet muscles.

....so now that I was back in your life you did everything to keep me right....wrong. You told me you were in love with me, I was everything, and that I was the most important piece of your life....

I am so alone.

you lied. You had a BIG little secret. A secret that you knew I would only find out about if someone told me....myspace.

You weren't on heroin, cocaine or meth...you were on something much worse; you were on the Myspace, the most addictive drug of them all. I got jealous because I don't know how them computers work, it's like little midgets in there or some shit.

"Baby it's just a couple pictures of me and my girls"...."Baby there's nothing revealing my body is for your eyes only"...so I said, whatever it's fine, are there any pics of me? She said no, then I asked if there were any pics of other guys, again she said "no just me and my girls".

Then I said "hey, why is your name on here 'Tila Tequila'? What does that mean?"

I believed you when you said I love you. You weren't in love. You were infatuated. Infatuated with the way my touch felt against your body. Infatuated that with the scenery of my dark room and the sounds of my soft words you could forget about reality.

You was totally diggin' the shadows my N' Sync collectors edition dolls was makin' on the walls when I put the strobe light on and started doing the orbit ball for you's.

your infatuation was so powerful that it lead you to my room window at 4am, after a NYC club knocking and calling my name on several occasions. "Baby open the door...I need you...I love you." so i let you in like a fool.

You came over one night and asked me for money. I asked for sex and you said no. I still gave you the money because our love is strong. Almost as strong as me.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Figure 1.3: I love Bath and Body works "THIS MUCH".

You emailed me everyday until you got a response.....and eventually you did, you even drove me to the point that I had to change my number....but in time with persistence.... you got it back.

I emailed you everyday until I got a response.....and eventually I did, I even drove you to the point that you had to change your number....but in time with persistence.... I got it back. I know peoples.

You always came back because there was something I had that noone else had....passion.

And glow sticks. And a yellow H2 with stupid stickers on it. And a sweet apartment above my parent's garage. And a bunch of shirts with no sleeves. And glow sticks.

But the joke was on me, you lied to my face yet again. I was hardly everything...in fact I don't think I was anything in your life. I was just a remedy for you when shit hit the fan in your family life?

This is the first time I have been honest with myself, not only in this abortion of a rant but in my entire life. I should have just wrote this sentence and spared my fingers the torture on my manicure.

From the looks of it you would never guess that her true obsession lied not in clubs...but a guy.

See what I'm talking about, we still have tons of stuff in common.

You would never guess that she'd show up to my house at 4am because thoughts of me were able to creep into her drunken mind. You would never guess that a girl could be capable of shamelessly begging for the attention of a guy. It simply looks like a premiscuous girl who likes to drink and party.

Girls don't go begging for guys' attention NOR do they go out to drink and party. Trust me.

...after a couple of bottles of Cristal filled with Keystone Ice, I drunk dialed her. Big deal.

You disrespected yourself and disrespected me before the entire myspace world by having pics of other guys touching you and people kissing you.

The entire world was really bummed out when they saw pictures of a hot chick getting busy, and they called me. That's right, the entire world has my T-Mobile Sidekick II number and they text messaged me. It said, "Yo, bitch B trippin. She B nekked all up on d00ds on teh Myspace joint. pWned."

You have no self respect, just another club groupy pig. Seeing your pics I felt an intense rage grow inside of me as I completely analized your entire profile for the very first time.

When I said "ANALized" I really meant analyzed. Freudian slip.

But seriously, put a couple of fingers in my ass. Just for a little bit.

I knew I was gonna see you that night,so I thought to myself what could I do to show you how I really feel.

by slapping on some legwarmers and showing you with interpretive dance.

I didn't want to just bring it up because all that would do is cause an argument of you trying to justify your wrong doing then walking away because you could never handle the truth....then it struck me!

This is all my fault!

Treat you like a Slut.

Shit. *Jumbled New Jersey Guido Propelled Rant to English Decoder Error Number 532: Program assumed subject did not have down syndrome.*

So I continued to act as everything was fine, although if you noticed everytime you said "I love you" ,I said I know. Then I did what every guy should do if he ever found himself in my situation, I fu*ked you...and told you to get the fu*k out of my house.

I'm not censoring myself because I think that curse words are bad, it's because I genuinely do not know how to spell fu*k. If it ain't an asterisk how do you spell them shits?!

But seriously, we had sex and I cried after I came.

Your reaction was expected...hitting me and tearing my room apart...I could understand most of your reaction considering you didn't receive the warm touch that keeps you yearning for me.

Because my touching you kept you from freaking out, you've got like some kind of reverse-autism shit going on.

But you should of never attempted to rip off my statue of st. michael that hangs above my doorway by a single nail. Even with the force of all your weight you couldn't rip him off....he's an angel of god...protector against people like you.

St. Michael; Angel of God. Protector from Whores. Wicked nice ass and pecks.

After that you were on your way. As you walked out the front door I felt as if a growing cancer inside of me left my life.

I took a dump.

I've always been a better person without you. That's why I never chased you, never called you and never ever even thought about showing up to your house at 4am in the morning drunk or not, it was you who did those things to me.

I fell in love with you because you were hot. This is the only thing I will ever be attracted to because I am obsessed with appearances. I mean shit, I wax my eyebrows for Christ's sake. I got burned because my looks couldn't protect my heart from being broken and that makes me feel like half the alpha male I used to pretend I was.

Critics and haters don't bother leaving comments because your words will go unread.

Except for that KungFu Mike guy, he totally fooled me with the title of his e-mail being, "Dude, you are totally awesome!!", so I opened it. Inside he called me a pussy. Now I feel stupid.

If you don't know me or think you know me, don't judge me. I got on this site for one reason. To show all of you the truth...the real girl behind the profile...the real Juh-nette. just another pig.

Yeah, that's because I don't give a fu*k about that bitch. In fact, I care so little about her that I've spent all day creating a Myspace profile, dedicated it to her, customized the HTML, added pictures of myself...oh yeah, and sent requests for HaWwWtT ChIx to join my friends list in the hopes that I would make Juh-nette jealous.

The moral to my story is that beauty only lies skin deep because inside you're as dark as my black satin sheets you layed your naked used body on the night before last.

I didn't know where else to throw in the fact that I own black satin sheets. Damn it, I forgot to mention that they're autographed by Liberace. Whatevaz, ho...I ain't no homo. Youz a used up bitch! (This is where I flex my biceps at you and growl)

Fellas make your move on the prey. There's a deceiving, deceitful, vulnerable, lost little girl roaming the clubs of NYC.....ENJOY.

Her name is Mrs. Ken. She is my mommy. When you are done giving her the Chinese finger cuffs, please tell her to come home so she can make me Kool Aid ice cube popsicles.

As for you Kuh-reen-ah "everything I can do noone can do better" that's why I was the most powerful magnet in her life...SL*T... PEACE

*Jumbled New Jersey Guido Propelled Rant to English Decoder Error Message Number 784: Internal Error; all circuitry overheated due to a massive surge of insecure rambling and macho overcompensation. Please allow hardware to cool.*

Mr. Ken, by subjecting the planet to your useless faux attitude towards your ex and actually taking the time to create a profile dedicated to your hopelessness you can be none other than today's Myspace Loser of the Day. With the fame and glory comes a splendid prize package; a bottle of SPF .0145 tanning lotion, a gift certificate for 10 free tank tops at Baby Gap and a loaded shotgun complete with one cartridge just in case those satin sheets get a little too chilly all by your lonesome this winter.


~KungFu Mike

Posted by KungFu Mike at 4:29 PM

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Wow - he (assuming he is male) really is quite a find. He is prettier than most girls. I hope his boyfriend realises how lucky is.

Love your work KungFu Mike.

Posted by: Blondeaussie at December 10, 2006 02:46 AM

Seriously though, what the fuck is up with those saggy reverse-biceps in that last picture? Did his system develop a tolerance for the 'roids and now his muscles are shrinking? Or did he just think it was cool to look like a fat middle aged math teacher? If Mr. Ken ever wants to get laid ever again, he should stop waxing his eyebrows, carve off his arm tits, and stop crying to Lifetime Original Movies wile he pounds away his fifth pint of sugar free ice cream that night. And he needs to grow a pair and stop whining.

By the way, nice find! I could go on for hours about this guy!

Posted by: Pi at December 14, 2006 11:36 PM

Yeah, they're called triceps.. but i forgive.

he deleted his myspace :-)

Posted by: at January 4, 2007 06:00 PM

I think I love you....

Posted by: Kristin at January 6, 2008 11:13 PM

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