My New Girlfriend - April 17, 2008

(Reconditioning Batteries)

I was hanging out with my friend last night and she bought a bag because they looked funny and they were only $0.99. I was embarrassed for her to even bring them to the counter with me. Crab chips? Jesus, we're those people. The people that wear house shoes and sweatpants and buy pickled eggs and pork rinds at the convenience store. Where did I take a wrong turn in life? I threw my Slim Jim by the register and turned around as she paid.

The first thing we did was open the bag of crab chips as soon as we left the store. I took a bite of one, and I was less than impressed. I was happy that it didn't actually taste like crap dust, but it was very spicy and a little too salty all on a lackluster, paper thin potato chip. Then I had another. After that second chip, I knew that Utz Crab Chips were an acquired taste, kind of like pate or kim chi. I had another. And another. My eyes lit up. Before I knew it I was elbow deep, furiously fist fucking a plastic bag of heavily seasoned potato chips like there was a million dollar check made out to "cash" stuffed into its cervix.

It's been 12 hours since I left that store and I am eating my second bag of crab chips. The sides of my running shorts are covered in Chesapeake Bay crab seasoning because I couldn't wait to change before I tore into them and I can't stop stuffing my face while I'm on the computer and I don't want to get the keys messy.

Your homework assignment for tonight is to go out, buy a bag of Utz Crap Chips and tell us what you think of them. If you love them like I do, you're welcome. If you don't? It's a ninety nine cent bag of potato chips, Schpinkleburg.

~KungFu Mike

Posted by KungFu Mike at 9:50 AM

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I live about 15 mins away from the UTZ factory the crab chips are by far away the most amazing thing produced by that company

Posted by: cadet07 at April 17, 2008 11:18 AM

I have yet to find a suitable replacement for Salsa Doritos. Maybe this will do.

Posted by: at April 17, 2008 11:27 AM

If you liked those, I suggest you also try the Utz "Carolina BBQ" chips in the light blue bag. They are fantastic.

Posted by: Erin at April 17, 2008 08:07 PM

They need to have a support group for people who try these...I'm serious...I've been hooked on these baby's since December of '06. Hello, my name's Judy, and I'm an Utz-a-holic. (You can clap now.)

Posted by: Judy at April 17, 2008 10:04 PM

I grabbed a bag at a 7-11 while I was in Maryland over Spring break. They were good, and I ended up buying two more bags before I went home. Now I'll probably never see them again here in Cinci.

Posted by: Poiple at April 18, 2008 10:08 AM

I'm calling you out- The picture clearly has the crab chips labeled at $1.59 a bag over your supposed .99 cents. Why would you lie to us about crab chips?! I will never believe another word you say.

Posted by: J.P. at April 18, 2008 08:13 PM

J.P, if you had any brains, you would realize that the picture is the bigger bag, which cost 1.59. the smaller bag costs 99 cents.

Posted by: Anonymous at April 21, 2008 10:30 PM

Crab chips are godly. Congrats on your new relationship.

Posted by: Joe at April 23, 2008 06:17 AM

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