KungFu Mike's 3rd Grade Masterpiece - September 25, 2007

(Reconditioning Batteries)

My good friend from back home just moved out to southern California. When he stopped over on Saturday, he brought a gift; a book. Not just any book, it was a book that I wrote and illustrated when I was eight years-old. After flipping through it, I knew that I had to have it scanned in and posted on my website immediately. It is an action-packed journey filled with hilarious violence, government conspiracy and references to sexual organs. You know, everything that you would expect to come out of the mouth of an eight year-old KungFu Mike.

Ladies and gentleman, one hand clapping against the other makes a great sound for Little Harbor Elementary School's most famous alumni and his first book, "GNI" (General National Interference).

. I have no idea what I was going for with the cover of GNI. There is some kind of strange pyramid shape at the bottom with the letters "SS" on it. I did have blond hair and blue eyes when I was younger.

. Surprisingly enough, I had frequent visits with child psychologists.

. Dead alien with an arrow piercing its skull? Check. Dead Green Beret with a bullet in his head? Check. President of the United States depicted as a huge-eared, cross-eyed retard? Check.

. Russians are fat, and they shoot bails of pubic hair out of Power Wheels tanks.

. Someone had been using their one hour of television a day to watch a certain TV show. Which one was it?

. I love how the president looks Asian and I accidentally spelled play "pray." Excellent.

. Now the general is Asian, and he is telling the dogs to attack the White House's genitals. How/why my 3rd grade teacher actually allowed this into my project is telling of the undeniable decline of public education.

. The general assassinates the president, who is wearing a shirt that says "dork," in a violent military coup. Perfectly normal subject matter for an eight year-old.

. This is where the story devolves into some kind of Flintstone's vitamin overdose-fueled summarizing illustrated montage.

. Mom? Dad? Jesus? Nope. Instead, I dedicated GNI to , a villain in the 80's cartoon C.O.P.S. I cut my partner out of the entire process and I wrote what can only be described as a kiddie manifesto. For this, I was awarded a young author's ribbon.

. The caption underneath my picture reads "I am rad. I am rad." Some things never change.

Posted by KungFu Mike at 6:52 PM

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i see a phallus on every page.

i was thinking i felt to lazy to go around clicking links, but holy crap, well worth it and then some. the personification of the white house is super special.

Posted by: kate at September 26, 2007 12:01 AM

I think YoungFu Mike was trying to get laid too because you gave out your name, address, and phone number on the Epilogue page. That was hilarious. Buttons McBoomBoom...!

Posted by: Wayland at September 27, 2007 09:04 PM

"right up the nose" ... quite prophetic given our current proclivity towards the devil's dandruff.

Posted by: zach retox at October 5, 2007 01:29 PM

I'm sorry. Does it say "Sick Balls" on page 6? I'm pretty sure the stuff I wrote about when I was 8 were like cars and my pet dog and other innocent things - not destruction of the white house and violent military coupes, but then again I went to private school.

Posted by: Unidentified Drunken Object at October 29, 2007 10:22 PM

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