KungFu Mike Loses Virginity, Self Respect - July 15, 2007

(Reconditioning Batteries)

When I was 16, my friends and I spent the summer at our friend Pete's ultra-wealthy, half-insane grandmother's house; a huge, multi-million dollar estate right on the rocks of York Beach, ME, where we partied almost every day, due in part to Pete's grandmother being away in Europe for the entire summer on vacation.

What was even cooler than Pete's mansion was Pete's crazy mom, who also lived at the estate. Being a responsible, conservative parent, she consistently made smart choices for her son and his friends; choices like buying us cases of Olde English 800, cartons of cigarettes and stacks of porn. She not only encouraged us to throw huge underage drinking parties, but also enjoyed laughing along as we blew up propane tanks and hairspray bottles on the private beach behind the estate. I specifically remember waking up at Pete's house to regularly find his mom enjoying her routine breakfast--a Marlboro Red and a glass of Johnny Walker Red Label on the rocks.

One fateful night that Pete's mom/enabler was away on business, we decided to throw a party to celebrate Pete and I successfully managing to jimmy open the unimaginably well-stocked wine cellar with a miniature crowbar the prior afternoon. Picture your typical underage drinking party, but substitute double fisted bottles of Mad Dog 20/20 and Natural Ice with magnums of Perrier Jolet and Krug Clos du Mesnil--the movie Kids and a rap video had a baby. It was a phenomenal waste of thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of investment wine, and our cat burglar tactics would actually be one of the deciding factors in getting Pete and his mother thrown out of the house upon his grandmother discovering it when she returned from her vacation.

Earlier that summer, Pete bought a Hi-8 camcorder, which we used to record all of our antics. Blowing up propane tanks, executing skateboard tricks, vomiting, the works. Every morning, we would groggily pry ourselves off of whatever swatch of carpet we had passed out on, congregate in Pete's room and review what we had recorded. The night of the party was no different, and the Hi-8 was being passed around the crowd, catching every minute of disjointed, drunken teenage flirtation and amateur hour alcohol intake management.

I was in the kitchen swilling the last half inch of Bollinger out of a bottle and popping some pizza rolls into the toaster oven when she walked into the room; a beautiful, sun-kissed 16 year-old girl with blond hair, sporting a tank top and flower print booty shorts. Her name was Rachel, and I got a socially devastating boner every time she was within fifty feet of me that summer. I offered her some of my pizza rolls, and we hung out in the kitchen and talked about high school, plans for college and anything else that kids that age talk about for an hour or so before she suddenly grabbed my hand, led me into one of the many guest bedrooms of the estate, and told me that she wanted me to be her first. I was thrilled, because I was also a virgin, and I couldn't even manage to ask this girl out on a date the entire summer, let alone tell her that I wanted to try and stick my teenage cock inside of her for 20 seconds. I wasn't sure how or why this was happening to me, and I didn't care. This was it; I was finally going to have sex.

Awkward kissing led to awkward groping, awkward groping led to awkward clothing removal, awkward clothing removal led to awkward, fumbling manual stimulation. I was nervous to the point that I had beads of sweat on my forehead, and so was she. We laid down on the guest bed and spent the next 15 minutes alternating between making out and trying to figure out how to put a condom on my pensive, harder than diamonds erection. I was so embarrassed; I so wanted to look like the cool, experienced guy, but there I was--playing Mr. Wizard's Experiment Hour with a three pack of Trojans and a girl who knew as much or less about the act of fucking than I did.

Once we managed to sheath my sword, I climbed on top of her and attempted penetration for the first time.

And the second time.

And the third time.

After the 15th time I tombstoned my dick into her taint, she finally grabbed me and guided me in. Well, she guided the head of my cock into her, because that was all that would fit. It was like trying to fuck a pair of vice grips. I spent the next 25 minutes gyrating my hips like I was trying to become the fifth member of Menudo after Ricky left, thinking that I could pry myself inside with a little finesse.

I looked at Rachel's face, hoping to see it frozen in boundless pleasure, but what I found was a facial expression that showed nothing but pure, unfiltered pain. I asked her if she was OK, and she grunted back, "Yeah, I'm OK. It kind of feels good. Keep going." So I did, until I finally managed to sink myself balls deep into her. It felt amazing. I did it! I finally did it! I looked down to see it, as that was the first time my penis was ever inside of a vagina, and I wanted to take a mental Polaroid. That's when I saw the blood. Lots and lots of blood. It looked like I had murdered a kitten with some bed sheets and a ball-peen hammer. I was just about to tell her that we should probably stop when all of a --


The door to the guest room burst open, the lights came on and 25 people poured into the room, all led by Pete with his Hi-8 camcorder in front of him. I whipped the comforter over both Rachel and myself, and Rachel pulled some of the bedsheets over her head in some kind of hilariously futile attempt to mask her identity. I screamed and screamed for them to leave the room, but nobody budged. They just stood there, drinking champers and giggling at us. I started to laugh back; I was drunk and the ridiculousness of the situation was starting to sink in, but I was also figuring that they would start to feel bad after a while and take off, leaving Rachel and I to finish what we started. Pete zoomed in with his camera and caught the blood on his guest bed.

"Jesus Christ, Mike. What are you, fucking her with a table leg?! LOOK AT ALL THE BLOOD!!! HOLY SHIT!!! Guys, seriously, look at the blood!! This girl is going to need a transfusion!!! Ladies, get in line to fuck KungFu Mike. Apparently he's packing a cock the size of a baby's arm!"

That was it; the final nail in the coffin. Rachel started crying, my dick started to go limp, and I was sitting naked in a bed covered in blood, tears and broken dreams. The party guests left the room, Rachel threw her clothes on as fast as she could, and knowing that there was no way that I was going to be able to squirt any Fix-A-Flat into the flaccid tire that was my entrance into manhood, I walked into the kitchen to grab a drink--just in time for Pete to dump a bottle of Moet on my head as the rest of the party reviewed the new footage on a big screen TV in the piano room.

Posted by KungFu Mike at 9:03 PM

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I would've drug Peter out to the private beach and drowned his ass.

Posted by: Anonymous at July 16, 2007 06:24 AM

Jesus Christ, that poor damn girl! You should probably be held responsible for the therapy that poor chick is probably having to invest in. I could only imagine!

Posted by: PlayboyMommy at July 16, 2007 06:28 AM

Wow dude. Wow. Hilariously emotionally scarring, the best kind. I loved the "mom/enabler". Classic. Glad you finally started writing stories again instead of the youtube bit.

Posted by: Captain Canada at July 16, 2007 01:02 PM

Hahahaha! Dude that is a fucking classic. Less of that YouTube of the day shit and more posts like this.

Posted by: ActiveParty at July 16, 2007 04:08 PM

your friends were asshole cockblockers. you didn't even get to finish after all the effort to start! that girl was a fucking trooper too...a half hour? and no screaming, no biting a chunk out of your shoulder, no yelling, "ok, everyone out of the pool!"?

Posted by: erratiKate at July 16, 2007 10:28 PM

Followed the link from philalawyer to here. Read your story. Dont buy it. Good try though.

Posted by: ronald mexico at July 16, 2007 10:47 PM

Ronald Mexico is a dummeh. That was really sad dude. About the time that it got really funny is the same time that it got depressing. That sucked. Awesome story though. Keep bringing more.

Posted by: Wayland at July 17, 2007 02:15 PM

The title and the way the story started had me thinking that you were going to bone her mom, but this was equally hilarious.

Posted by: Curt at July 17, 2007 02:17 PM

haha yeah, i totally thought you were gonna bone the mom, too. so what happened to the girl after that; did you ever hear from her again?

Posted by: at July 18, 2007 08:55 AM

You don't buy it, Ron Mexico? You're right, no drunk teenagers have ever had an awkward, unsuccesful try at fucking for the first time... are you fucking retarded?

Posted by: theandytune at July 19, 2007 01:04 AM

Dude, Ron Mexico, seriously? Go play with your pitbulls. Teenagers having awkward attempts at the nookie never happens...riiight.

Posted by: Towelie at July 19, 2007 11:47 AM

Whoa, sorry ladies, I didn't mean to impugn the integrity of your Fonzie. I hope my assertion that the situation didn't unfold exactly as was described didn't interfere with your jacking off to it. I am obviously a fan of the Ruphus media writers and I like this cite enough to check it for new postings, but I don't see why all of the comments have to filate the authors every time they make a new posting. Some stories are better than others and this one in particular rang false in my opinion. However, if you sycophants lapped this shit up, Mike should just rewrite the letters from Penthouse in the first person, add an embarrassing twist, and he would never have to write an original story again.

Posted by: ronald mexico at July 25, 2007 07:21 PM

Ronald, are you a complete pseudo-intellectual? Your post is full of so much crap and so many mistakes. Stop trying to sound smarter than you are, it just makes you come off like a douchebag.

..Also, I'm not a big fan of Ruphus Media myself; Rudius is pretty good though.

Posted by: Gordon at July 26, 2007 03:56 AM

It would be even better if Ron Mexico could spell fellate.

I bet he loves getting all that "filatio" that comes his way.

Posted by: at July 30, 2007 05:22 PM

I don't find any part of this story believable. The writer lives in a deluded world where he has a large cock, hilarious friends, and a CRAZY story regarding his virginity. My guess is his first time involved shoving his cock into something unconscious.

Posted by: almundo at July 31, 2007 11:53 AM

Ron Mexico, the odds that half of the stories on Rudius Media are described 100% truly are pretty damn low. Unless the authors took notes on the subject, then I have to say, it'd be a bit hard to remember everything about a situation - not to mention if it was a while back they might be subconsciously flattering themselves.

I can't remember what I had for breakfast last Tuesday, I certainly couldn't remember the first time I fucked. Get over it, dude, enjoy the humor, stop trying to point out that something might not be complete transcription here.

Posted by: Jake at July 31, 2007 04:21 PM

I have to say I agree with Ronald Mexico. This story seems pretty fake and forced. Some blogs are full of original good material, others wildly exaggerate the facts. I prefer to read the former.

Posted by: at August 4, 2007 05:57 PM

I love you people (all two of you) who think that this or other stories of mine are fake.

1) I am constantly reminding you people to do this, but just in case you missed it, you can go to my Myspace page and ask anyone in my Top 20 thing about this and other stories. Those are my friends in real life, and most of them have been around for most of the incidents in my childhood that I write about. In fact, the guy that busted in with the camera, Shane, is the "Lil' Root" guy on my profile.

2) Furthermore, I HAVE THE FUCKING FOOTAGE OF THE PARTY. I own it. It is here, and it is real. Why don't I post it? Yeah, 16 year old nudity would be a great addition to KungFu Mike.net. I swear, it amazes me that some of you can use a computer at all.

3) Besides all of this, how is this story so unbelievable? It was an awful first time in every way, shape and form, and it was humiliating. I just don't understand your logic. I mean, if I said that I had a threesome with Mena Suvari and Ashlee Simpson, I could see your call out. In summation; you are a fucking mouth breather.

Posted by: KungFu Mike at August 6, 2007 01:49 PM

Thank you Mike. I'm sorry that you felt you had to defend your self to those who don't believe you. Hope everything is well with you.

Posted by: Wayland at August 16, 2007 02:58 PM

get em' mike

Posted by: MurderCute at September 20, 2007 09:29 PM

Pooh bear,
This might be too much info but I thought you'd enjoy my story... When my first boyfriend took my virginity at 17, he got up after we were done, left me laying on the leather couch in all my scared, naked glory and went to Whataburger for some late-nite food(it was 2 am). Our other good friend went with him and while they were eating their burgers, he looked at him and said "Dude, why do you have blood under your fingernails?"
Love, ChingChong

Posted by: ChingChong at November 11, 2007 03:56 PM

I spent the next 25 minutes gyrating my hips like I was trying to become the fifth member of Menudo after Ricky left.

Im Laughing so hard Im Crying

Posted by: Anonymous at March 15, 2008 05:57 PM

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