KungFu Mike Eats Xanax; Becomes Horny Monster - April 23, 2007

(Reconditioning Batteries)

ChingChong, a girl I hook up with occasionally, took me out for a few beers at Gordon-Biersch on Friday night. When we got back to my place, we cracked a few more beers and watched TV. ChingChong, not content with alcohol alone, reached into her purse and procured a Xanax prescription.

Me: "What the fuck is that?"

ChingChong: "It's Xanax. I usually only take it before I fly, but I leave it in my purse just in case."

Me: "What, are you going to take one of those now? You're not going to go into a coma or something on me, are you? I'll roll you up in a carpet and stuff you in the garbage chute if you do."

ChingChong: "Of course not, Mike. These are just little ones, they don't mess you up that bad. I usually take three of them when I have to."

Me: "What does it do to you?"

ChingChong: "Well, you are supposed to take it for anxiety, but it kind of just slows you down a bit if you've been drinking. It's perfectly fun and safe."

Me: "...give me one."

ChingChong made me hold out my hand, and she dumped a tiny little blue pill into it. Trusting her description of how I would react to the drug, I popped it in my mouth and took a swig of beer. We watched TV for another 45 minutes while I waited for some magical awesomeness to envelop me. When nothing happened, I asked her why I wasn't feeling anything, ChingChong explained that I only had one, and it probably wasn't enough to have an effect on me.

Reaching out my hand, I took another one. This is the last thing I remember.

The next thing I knew, it was 9:00 on Saturday morning. I was completely naked, and ChingChong lay next to me. I sat up and tried to piece together the time from when I was coherent until that moment. The motion of me sitting up disturbed ChingChong from her slumber.

Me: "Good morning."

"How are you feeling?"

Me: "...huh? Fine. I feel fine. I don't remember anything about last night, though. What the fuck happened to me?"

"Oh wow. Well, a few things happened."

Me: "Jesus, did I do anything crazy? I didn't leave the apartment, did I?! Why did you let me take that shit?!?"

ChingChong: "No no no, you didn't do anything crazy. You were just ridiculously out of it. One minute you were fine, the next minute you were speaking in slow-motion and saying the most hilarious shit."

Me: "What did I say?"

ChingChong: "Well, you started by making fun of Tyra Banks. Then you changed the channel to G4 and tried to explain to me the female host 'Hierarchy of Hotness'. I had to pry the remote out of your hands. After that, you began gnawing on a hunk of cheese. You said 'This is the best round of Brie I have ever had, lovey' like you were Thurston Howell III or something. It was really funny."

Me: "Oh God, what else did I do?"

"Well, after a while we went to bed, and we started to fool around. Your dick wasn't working."

Me: "Wow."

"But you wouldn't stop trying to make it work. This went on for about two hours. I asked you why you were so intent on having sex while you were pawing at me, and you said 'I can't stop...I'm thhhheeee hooooorny moooooonster! Raaahhhh!!'"

Me: "..."

ChingChong: "I couldn't stop laughing. Then you went to the bathroom and didn't come out for about an hour. At first I thought that you were jerking off, but now I think that you actually fell asleep in there."

Me: "Awesome. This is a great story, ChingChong. I feel like a rape victim. Let's go ahead and make a rule that you are never to give me any kind of illicit substance ever again."

"Yeah, I'd rather not waste it on the Horny Monster."

Me: "I hate you."

Posted by KungFu Mike at 5:15 PM

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Haha, you are the Horny Monster. RAWR!

Posted by: Wayland at April 23, 2007 08:54 PM

Are you going to make a seperate MySpace for The Horny Monster like you did for Bjorn the Village Killer?

Posted by: Tedd at April 23, 2007 09:57 PM

cool story.

Posted by: Anonymous at April 25, 2007 08:05 PM

One blue pill makes it smaller,
and another makes it larger
but you're so high
you can't do anyone at all?

Posted by: not a doktor at April 26, 2007 01:21 AM

haha stoopid azians....

Posted by: ChingChong at May 4, 2007 03:51 PM