I want you to look at a picture of my baby - April 1, 2008

(Reconditioning Batteries)

Here is a picture of the mother of my child holding my firstborn son.

Actually, this is a picture of Satan and the Antichrist as depicted in The Passion. I didn't use a sonogram of my baby because one doesn't exist...because this was an April Fool's joke.

I was about to go to bed last night when I realized that I forgot to do something funny for April Fool's Day. I looked for funny YouTube movies but I couldn't find anything decent. In my sleepiness, I thought up a lame story about knocking some chick up, posted it and passed out.

I woke up to check my email this morning, expecting a bunch of people to yell at me because I didn't put enough effort into my prank. Instead, my inbox was filled with sympathetic messages calling for hope and strength. I quickly figured out that I started writing the entry on the 31st, which made a bunch of you people think it wasn't an April Fool's joke at all.

Readers sent me their phone numbers so I could call them for advice on fatherhood. Some of you guys sent me poems. Some people even told me that they spent their mornings crying because of it; literally fucking crying. My Myspace inbox is pages and pages deep with this shit. People I know in real life were calling and texting me all day about it. Don't get me wrong, the bulk of you saw right through it and called me out right away, which was why I waited until the end of the day to publish the comments for that entry, but a substantial amount of you were just fucking OWNED SO FUCKING HARD!!! HOW DOES IT FEEL TO GET FOOL FUCKED RAW DOGGY?! ARE YOU WALKING FUNNY?!? OOOWWWNNNNNNEDDDDDD!!!! AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

On a serious note, I don't have any babies in real life because I'm smart enough to know that I can't get a girl's mouth or asshole pregnant. I'm also smart enough to know that abortions are expensive, but the three flights of stairs leading up to my apartment are free to use. Babies are bad people. Besides, if I had to choose between taking care of my baby and writing, you better believe I'd be playing ding dong ditch with a bassinet before you could blink.

Posted by KungFu Mike at 1:40 PM

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Shit man, you almost got me to start wrapping it up........almost.

Posted by: Alex at April 1, 2008 03:57 PM

You are THE biggest asshole I've ever met...still love you though...assface.

Posted by: Judy at April 1, 2008 04:05 PM

dammit, you got me...

Posted by: Anonymous at April 1, 2008 04:38 PM

It gets me so hot when you talk about the abandonment of infants.

Posted by: Liza at April 1, 2008 05:52 PM

Wait, so all these people saw that you posted a farewell message on APRIL FUCKING FOOLS DAY about how you got some girl pregnant and are moving to Chinatown and STILL DIDN'T FUCKING GET IT??? Christ, man.

Posted by: at April 1, 2008 06:20 PM

The bit about the job what was ringed the most untrue of all, to me, but...you never truly know. People do weird things, as you undoubtedly noticed from the aftermath of your prank.
Still, can't deny that " I'd be playing ding dong ditch with a bassinet before you could blink." made me laugh so hard I almost cracked a rib. Good stuff, man. Glad to know there'll be more of it.

Posted by: San at April 1, 2008 11:03 PM

Wow... people actually fell for that!? Oh dear.

Posted by: Azza at April 2, 2008 06:31 AM

Good times. : )

Posted by: Wayland at April 2, 2008 10:01 AM

At least if you did have a baby you know it'd be hot. Because that's really all that matters; having a child you're not embarrassed to give state appointed money.
Good luck making more throat babies.

Posted by: Carrie at April 2, 2008 10:22 AM

...that's what I thought....

Posted by: Anne at April 2, 2008 12:39 PM

I totally thought that was Christopher Walken for a second.

Posted by: Charley at April 4, 2008 11:43 AM

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