KungFuMike.net
KungFuMike.net

Grabby Gus - May 11, 2008

(Reconditioning Batteries)

I went out to a sports bar on Friday night. As I was walking towards the bathroom, someone intentionally reached out and grabbed my cock and balls. It wasn't just an accidental hand tap; this was a legitimate cup and lift of my genitalia. It took me a couple of steps to realize what happened. At first, my mind automatically filled in the blanks and reasoned that it was just some girl I knew being friendly. When the gravity of the situation finally sunk in, I turned around to find the culprit. An older, bearded gentleman was standing there, staring at me with a half smile. He kind of looked like this:

"Um, sorry...guy. I didn't do that on purpose. My hand just flung out. I wasn't looking."

"I can't believe you just did that. I - I don't even know what to say. You just grabbed my dick."

"Well, I...uh..."

"I don't care if you're gay or whatever, but do you normally just molest dudes dicks and hope one out of ten enjoys it? Where is your gay-dar? This is a sports bar, not the fucking Man Hole. Why did you just do that?"

"Hey. I'm not gay, pal."

"Aren't supposed to stick to their own kind?"

"What?"

"You didn't just tap me or graze me accidentally; you deliberately cupped my cock and my balls with your hand. You cupped and lifted. Was I really just sexually assaulted by ? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Look pal. I --"

"What did you expect to happen? Did you expect me to turn around and giggle? Should I enjoy some ZZ Top looking mother fucker groping my junk? What the fuck is wrong with you?! I should fucking knock you out."

"Hey. No need to cause a scene."

"CAUSE A SCENE?!? YOU GRABBED MY DICK -- ON PURPOSE!!! EVERYBODY!!! EVERYBODY LOOK OVER HERE!!! KING SOLOMON OVER HERE JUST MAN HANDLED MY FUCKING PENIS!!! HE JUST STUCK HIS HAND OUT AND MOLESTED ME!!! HE DOESN'T WANT TO CAUSE A SCENE, THOUGH!!! LET'S ALL JUST LOOK THE OTHER WAY WHILE SEX OFFENDER SANTA GRABS DUDE CROTCH ALL NIGHT!!!" NO BIG DEAL!!!"

"...I can't believe you just did that. There's no way I can stay here now."

"That was the plan. See ya later, you fucking rapist. Keep in touch..."

Posted by KungFu Mike at 4:10 PM

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Haha, sorry Mike for what happened to you, that must have been traumatic. But the way you handled it was hilarious. Well done, sir.

Posted by: Erin at May 11, 2008 07:08 PM

Beautiful. "See ya later, you fucking rapist."

Posted by: Fatman at May 11, 2008 07:49 PM

hahahahahaha

Posted by: Drew Johnson at May 11, 2008 08:47 PM

The first two sentences promised family fun all around!
You're the most comical of all the writers on RM.
Amazing

Posted by: Jen at May 11, 2008 09:23 PM

nice story mikey what u didnt want santa to slide down your chimney hey hows the new place still in the dark well its mike your old roomate see ya around fu

Posted by: Anonymous at May 12, 2008 06:59 AM

What's wrong with people, Mike?

Posted by: Wayland at May 12, 2008 11:10 AM

This happens a lot in frat houses. I knew that they were known for raping chicks, but apparently it's open rape season for dudes, too. I don't go to frats much anymore...

Posted by: CJ at May 13, 2008 11:24 AM

Dude, did you really live with "mike your old roommate" above? And he's still alive? Did he come off like Hannah Montana's #1 fan in real life too?

Posted by: estar gwars at May 14, 2008 08:27 AM

A dude grabbing your dick is absolutely unacceptable. A bearded, old guy grabbing your dick is still unacceptable, but sort of comical. Headbutting said old guy so hard that he wakes up older, acceptable.

Posted by: at May 25, 2008 10:35 PM

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