Goodbye Everybody - March 31, 2008

(Reconditioning Batteries)

I'm not going to sit here and mince words with you people. I recently got a girl pregnant and she's keeping it.

I don't have a job, girlfriend, legitimate credit, decent car or anything resembling personal fiscal responsibility. I've spent the last four years of my life running away from myself; donning a starving artist's costume in an effort to rationalize my decision making process. I'm no writer. I'm no real man. Hell, I'm not even human. How can I accept the role of father like I am now? I've lived as a bottom feeder for long enough and now it's time for me to become a productive member of society again.

Because of this, I will no longer be writing for kungfumike.net or Rudius Media.

I've accepted a position as a floor broker in the #2 Heating Oil pit on the New York Mercantile Exchange, and I will be moving into my new one bedroom apartment in Chinatown next week. The girl and I aren't going to get married or anything. She's going to stay in New Hampshire and I'm going to mail her money from the city. If I'm lucky, I'll be able to come up once a month and see my kid. All of this is happening so fast, but I feel like I'm making the right choice here. I mean, I can't feed my new baby with empty promises and broken dreams. Hastily typed stories about me getting drunk won't pay for it's college. As much as this whole situation scares me, I want to be there for my kid. I want to be the best dad I can possibly be.

I want to thank all of you for reading my stuff for as long as you have. I think it's safe to say that I have a lot of great fans and I'm going to miss you all. You can still read what I have up now and feel free to keep in contact with me via email, but I will be deleting my Myspace and Facebook pages.

Goodbye everybody. We had a good run, didn't we.

~KungFu Mike

Posted by KungFu Mike at 8:00 PM

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Christ, you are good. I was a split second away from some decent-sized tears when I realized it was after midnight.

Posted by: Liza at March 31, 2008 08:33 PM

Sucks, dude. Why u be gettin' bitches pregnant? I wish you, your baby's momma, and your unborn child luck!

Posted by: Boobs McGee at March 31, 2008 09:04 PM

Damn. Good luck brother man.

Posted by: CaptainCanada at March 31, 2008 09:12 PM

Good luck, Mike.

An Old Irish Blessing:
May love and laughter light your days,
and warm your heart and home.
May good and faithful friends be yours,
wherever you may roam.
May peace and plenty bless your world
with joy that long endures.
May all life's passing seasons
bring the best to you and yours.

Posted by: koshka at March 31, 2008 09:26 PM


Posted by: Todd at March 31, 2008 09:50 PM

i smell an april fools farce

Posted by: Anonymous at March 31, 2008 10:08 PM

This better not be a sick April Fool's joke.

Posted by: Kyoko at March 31, 2008 10:11 PM

april fools

Posted by: k at March 31, 2008 10:28 PM

April Fools?

Posted by: Prankster at March 31, 2008 10:41 PM

haha, nice one

Posted by: bomber at March 31, 2008 10:43 PM

Best of luck to you man. Your stories make me laugh every time, but I'm glad to see you are going to step up and take care of the kid. I have friends who aren't man enough to do that so it's good to see at least some people are taking responsibility for what they create. Again best of luck in your future endeavors.

Posted by: chuck at March 31, 2008 11:20 PM

fair, best of luck.

Posted by: Anonymous at March 31, 2008 11:21 PM

This has to be an April Fools joke, I can't believe that KFM has enough motile sperm to get someone pregnant, let alone him be mature enough to take responsibility for it.....

Posted by: David McCullam at March 31, 2008 11:32 PM

yea yea yea april fools... blah blah blah

Posted by: Rebecca Schuster at April 1, 2008 01:20 AM

Made me LOL. :D You're a very good writer.

Posted by: at April 1, 2008 01:53 AM

Yeah, I was thinking about this post, then I realized it was April 1st. Either this is an amazing coincidence, or you fooled me on the first shot. One way I look like an asshole, so I'm hoping for the other.

Posted by: CaptainCanada at April 1, 2008 02:04 AM

Yeah, Nice april fools joke, a little more believable than the "I found jesus one", what gave it away? You'd never say that your life of drinking and fondling women was bottom feeding, thats just silly.

Posted by: Sean at April 1, 2008 02:11 AM

I can't decide whether this is an April fools joke or the real thing. So if it's a joke, good one. If it's real, best of luck to you and I hope you and your kid have a good life. Congratulations on stepping up to your role as a father, I truly hope you can keep it up for another eighteen years.

Posted by: WhiteSatyr at April 1, 2008 03:14 AM

April fools right? I really hope so because that would suck if this was true. I'm betting April fools.

Posted by: Paul at April 1, 2008 03:22 AM

April Fools?

Posted by: Mike at April 1, 2008 03:55 AM

Happy April Fools' Day to you too, KungFuMike. Keep them laughs a'rollin!

Posted by: Barron at April 1, 2008 04:42 AM

Adieu and good luck, KFM. Happy April 1st.

Posted by: c at April 1, 2008 04:50 AM

April Fools. As if Mike could get laid.

Posted by: Ross at April 1, 2008 05:00 AM

April Fools

Posted by: yobeehive at April 1, 2008 05:01 AM

april fools!

Posted by: toni at April 1, 2008 05:04 AM

I would say April Fool's, but it says this was posted March 31st. O_o

If it is true, good luck and don't give up man. You've got my support all the way.

Posted by: Blank at April 1, 2008 06:03 AM

As much as this whole situation scares me, I want to be there for my kid. I want to be the best dad I can possibly be.

Right on man, that's awesome. Most guys, including the guy who donated the sperm responsible for my nephew, run and hide when shit like this hits the fan. It's cool to know there's some decent people left out there.

We'll miss your writing, I mean your hastily typed stories about getting drunk won't pay for it's college but they sure were entertaining for a while.

May I present to you, the very sexual, the very toite, KungFuMikeJr's fahza.
-His what?
His fahza, Dr. Evil.
-His farger? What's a farger?
His fahza. You know, the fahza.
-You know KungFuMikeJr, I don't speak freaky-deaky Dutch. Okay, perv boy?
Fahza, his dad, dad is fahza.
-Oh, his dad. His *fa-ther*

Posted by: brandon at April 1, 2008 06:22 AM

haha very funny

Posted by: barks at April 1, 2008 06:40 AM

Oh, phht! Your babies get flushed down the toilet rolled up in Kleenex just like they did last Friday after The Mist!

Posted by: imonfire at April 1, 2008 06:47 AM

You are a Fool! Happy Day!

Posted by: KassyRoo at April 1, 2008 06:49 AM

Happy April Fools, Mike.

Posted by: Nathan at April 1, 2008 06:58 AM

Come on Mike, that was just way too obvious. Give us a little credit.

Posted by: Fatal Error at April 1, 2008 07:07 AM

Please god... april fools???

Posted by: Anonymous at April 1, 2008 07:09 AM

Is this possibly April fools?

Posted by: JohnDSTL at April 1, 2008 07:21 AM

Please try to be a little more original next year.

Posted by: at April 1, 2008 07:37 AM

I don't know what to say. I check this site almost everyday to check for updates. I'm going to miss your stuff man. Best of luck to you and I hope sometime when things are going better for you that you might be able to get back to some writing.

Posted by: Mike at April 1, 2008 07:49 AM

I hope this is an early April fools day prank.

Posted by: bbbraun at April 1, 2008 08:04 AM

April Fools right?

Posted by: Tommy at April 1, 2008 08:06 AM

This is a poor April fool's day joke. It was obvious even on just reading the title. Come on Mike, you're more creative than this.

Posted by: sucker at April 1, 2008 08:07 AM

I started reading your stories going on a year now and they've given me alot of great laughs, as well as some horrifyingly disturbing images. (Outlaws, Survey says: dingdingding) Your youtube videos of the day have given me and my friends a way to wile away the time in laughter and I believe that this is a very honorable way to bring your life together. Good luck on the road ahead.

Posted by: Rhodex at April 1, 2008 08:12 AM

Just when I get into reading your site regularly you are going to stop writing...dang. While that sucks for me I hope everything works out for the best for you.

Posted by: Lee at April 1, 2008 08:43 AM

Even if it is an April fools joke, it echos a lot of what seems to be bugging you about yourself in your posts lately.

Posted by: jay at April 1, 2008 09:30 AM

almost believed this, happy april fools

Posted by: jhdk at April 1, 2008 09:54 AM

Erm... Really? If this isn't just a twisted April 1st story, good luck with the child, wish you the best.

Posted by: Corey at April 1, 2008 09:54 AM

Congrats, Mike. Sorry to hear you have to give up your dream, but it's admirable. And also, if this is some kind of hoax, congrats again cause I bought it.

All the best.

Posted by: Anonymous at April 1, 2008 10:23 AM

April fools?

Posted by: Magpie_957 at April 1, 2008 10:35 AM

april fail's day

Posted by: Winner at April 1, 2008 10:40 AM

oh. april fools. got me.

Posted by: brandon at April 1, 2008 10:57 AM

Happy April Fool's Day to you too Mike!

Posted by: Mark at April 1, 2008 11:03 AM

Happy April 1st? Or should I really be saying good luck and it's been nice reading your work and all? Either way, you'll one day rock as a dad because you know what it takes to be awesome.

Posted by: Wayland at April 1, 2008 11:19 AM

Good luck! Ill miss your stories

Posted by: Cupcake at April 1, 2008 11:24 AM

don't let this stressful time in your life destroy everything you've worked for. writing and gainful employment are not mutually exclusive. stay true to yourself: keep writing. you wouldn't have been doing it this long if you didn't like it to at least some degree, and the number of people that come to this site daily for updates attests to your talent. and what the he*l do you mean by "productive member of society"? does that equate to selling your soul, one hour at a time for meager compensation? sure you'll need it to get by, but for your sake and the sake of all your readers, don't stop writing.

Posted by: Dustin at April 1, 2008 11:26 AM

if this is an april fool's joke, first i'm going to kill you, then i'm going to kill myself out of sheer embarrassment at my stupidity

Posted by: Dustin at April 1, 2008 11:28 AM

Wow, I am really going to miss your writing. You are hysterical and your stories bring a lot of enjoyment to my day. You are definitely doing the right thing here though man, it's the responsible thing to do. I have never even posted anything on this website, I was just so shocked to read this that I figured I had to say something. Best of luck. PS: my cousin works in one of the oil pits as well, but I won't mention his name here for the sake of his privacy.

Posted by: Matt at April 1, 2008 11:49 AM

You had me until Chinatown.

Posted by: at April 1, 2008 12:08 PM

fooled me

Posted by: Greg at April 1, 2008 12:17 PM

All the best.

Posted by: JeremiahBullfrog at April 1, 2008 12:22 PM

And a Happy April Fools to you too, Mike. I look forward to your yearly "fuck with the fans" post ;)

Posted by: Alex Krueger at April 1, 2008 12:23 PM


Posted by: Bobby Polish at April 1, 2008 12:49 PM

Lmao, I cant help but think that, although not exactly posted on April, this is in fact..an April fools joke. If there is nothing written in the next few weeks i guess i'd believe it..but until then, happy April Fools day..for tomorrow.

Posted by: Anonymous at April 1, 2008 01:05 PM

haha April Fool's!

Posted by: Koval at April 1, 2008 01:44 PM

I am so fucking stupid. Look at the day. Jesus Christ

Posted by: Denis at April 1, 2008 01:44 PM

April fools? If not best of luck.

-a fan

Posted by: Anonymous at April 1, 2008 01:44 PM

Wow half of your fans are morons. I knew this was an April fools day thing from the start. You're way too smart to get some chick knocked up and you would never give up your writing. A real fan would be able to figure that out.

Posted by: A Fan at April 1, 2008 08:39 PM

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