Dr. Baron VonKungFu III, Esq.,The Lady Slayer - December 10, 2006

(Reconditioning Batteries)

Last Sunday I was fucking around online before TheBunny was going to take me on a soul shattering 4 mile run through Glendale when I came across an email that an old friend from back home in New Hampshire sent me. She told me that she was cleaning out her closet the other day and she found something in one of her old purses from high school stuffed in the very back, and that this something that she came across was so awesome that she felt compelled to scan it and send it to me. I saw that there was a jpeg attachment on the email, so I scrolled down to the bottom to take a look at the preview box. I almost fell out of my chair.

No bullshit - this was a card that I used to give out to people when I was 15 years old. The monkey on the front represents CuntMaster Shit, one of my best friends and a recurring character in a lot of my stories. One day when I was over at his house, he went out to mow the lawn and I jumped on his computer to print out about 100 sheets of these things.

The funniest part about this is the fact that the phone number on it was to my mom's house. No cell phone, no beeper. When I was 15, I was giving out cards to girls because I thought writing down my phone number was beneath me; business cards with my mother's fucking land line number on them. Now I'm not qualified to make any kind of conclusive statement on this subject, but I'm pretty sure that it is clinically impossible for a 15 year old boy to be any more pimp without his face exploding. I mean, maybe if I was sitting shotgun in my mom's car and we rolled up to some chicks so I could hand them my card from the window...

"Yes m'lady, I will be viewing TGIF and supping on the most delicate of fish sticks this evening. Here, take my card. Perchance I can sneak out of my quarters later on tonight. I'll take the Huffy over to your summer villa so we can awkwardly make out until I have a hard on, at which point you will tell me to leave because you are saving yourself for Gunner Nelson, and I can ride back home only to furiously masturbate to MTV's The Grind, Spring Break Edition. Of course, that is all contingent on whether or not my mother will be chauffeuring me to Blockbuster to rent Battletoads for NES. Adieu, mon cherie.

Posted by KungFu Mike at 7:58 PM

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Posted by: TheBunny at December 12, 2006 11:41 AM

Oh Christ... I did the same thing. I actually went to an office supply store and had a number of business cards printed up to help me meet chicks. It helped me lose my virginity, but I don't have the balls to post them online!

Posted by: Ironman at December 12, 2006 02:22 PM

Yeah, I did that too. But none of them ever helped me get laid.

Posted by: Cupcake the Warrior at December 12, 2006 10:03 PM

say what you want about 15 year olds, but let's not bring battle toads into this

Posted by: Ed at February 19, 2007 04:13 PM

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