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Dane Cook Fucking Sucks - September 14, 2007

(Reconditioning Batteries)

It shouldn't come as a surprise to anybody by now that I am a rabid Dane Cook anti-fan. I fucking despise that shitty comedian with the hate energy of 10,000 suns. I was at a comedy show at the Laugh Factory in LA last winter to watch (who is hilarious), and Dane Cook randomly showed up out of nowhere to spend 45 minutes crushing my funny bone with a cinder block of suck. It took eight vodka tonics and a handful of visits from the manager to keep my mouth shut during his performance, after which I ran into Michael C. Hall from Showtime's Dexter and refused to call him by anything but his character's name. "WHAAATTTSS UP, DEXXXXXTERRRRRRRR?!?"

To give you a better understanding, here is how I responded to a thread about Dane Cook on Tucker Max's message board around last year or so.

ryobi Junior Member

I caught a Dane Cook on comedy central the other morning. I don't know what the name of the program was but it made my stomach hurt from laughter. I was unaware that he was big enough to spend 11 pages so far debating about. I think people hating a comedian because he doesnt make him laugh is a lot dumber than a bad comedian. I bet you all could do better.

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KungFu Mike
a bag full o' funshine

Quote: Originally Posted by ryobi I think people hating a comedian because he doesnt make him laugh is a lot dumber than a bad comedian. I hate this thread so much.

You are a fucking idiot. I can't hate a comedian that doesn't make me laugh? IT'S HIS FUCKING JOB TO MAKE ME LAUGH, YOU FUCKING ABORTION FACE.

If I paid a cover to get into a comedy club and the comedian didn't make me laugh, I would hate him. I would hate him for wasting my time, and I would hate him for luring me in with the false promise of funny. "Oh, Dane Cook doesn't make me laugh, but I can't hate him because Ryobi and the rest of the mushfucks on the TMMB say I can't hate because that would mean that I am jealous." Yeah, I'm jealous of unfunny people. You have me pegged. I'm jealous of Dane Cook, I'm jealous of Carrot Top and I am jealous of mimes. I'm also jealous of Bat Mitvah DJ's and my friend's moms who make stupid pun jokes to me in their kitchens while I wait for their sons to finish taking a dump so we can go to the bar. Slap the cuffs on me boys, I'm going to Jealous Jail.

Quote: Originally Posted by ryobi I bet you all could do better.

In fact, I can. Here is my Dane Cook impersonation -

"Hey Kool Aid Man! AHAHAHAHAH!!! Hey, car accident! WHOOOOOHOOOHAHAHA!!! *rolling around on stage* I WANT TO PUNCH A BUMBLEBEE IN THE FACE! YOWZERS!!! SU-FI!!! ROFL!!! *shirt comes off* I WANT TO NAME MY KID GRGRGRGRGRGRGRGRGGGHHH!!!! AND THE PICKLES!!! AND THE PICKLES!!! AND THE PICKKLLEEESSSSS!!!! *extreme face made into the camera*"

I hope you get typhoid in your fucking mouth. Fuck.

Apparently the power of my hate is so strong that it actually affected the comedian himself, as a listen to his new single "Forward" will illustrate to you that there is no way that Dane Cook does not have typhoid in his stupid mouth. What's that? You are asking me if this is Dane's new comedy CD? Oh no, this is a music single. Seriously, have a listen--

Christ, it's amazing what surrounding yourself with a bobble-headed yes man entourage will do to a celebrity's judgment. "Oh yeah, Dane. You should totally record music. You know, because you have a great voice and stuff. It's time that America saw a different side of Dane Cook; not the hilariously talented comedian that we all know and love, but the dark, emotional Dane Cook that I know I've grown to know and love. Hey, are you picking up this bar tab? Awesome!"

When I am rich and famous, I am going to surround myself with people that cut me down all day, just to keep me grounded enough that I don't do stupid shit all day. "Yeah Mike, that sounds like a great idea. Go record an album with that voice of yours. You sound like Ray Romano's gay nephew. It's going to be a smash hit. Why don't I sign you up for some basket weaving classes while I'm at it? What do you say, fancy tits?" Yeah, being a celebrity is going to ROCK!!!

Posted by KungFu Mike at 9:25 AM

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Comments

The dumbest thing I did in college? I bought a Dane Cook CD.

Posted by: zach retox at September 14, 2007 10:33 AM

i get so much shit from my friends because i hate dane cook. there isnt anything funny about him punching inanimate objects in the face, or running around on stage spilling water on himself. and the fact that he has stolen material from louis ck makes me hate him even more. fuck dane cook. the only people who like dane cook are stupid fratboy fucktwits.

Posted by: nick at September 15, 2007 07:20 AM

THANK YOU! I thought I was the only one.

Posted by: Jeffery J at September 16, 2007 03:09 AM

HAHA! I like Dane Cook becuase his sh*t is simple and it takes a negative amount of neurons firing to get his stuff. His crap isn't mentally stimulating or challenging obviously. Which is why I wish Mitch Hedburg were still around. That guy was great. And you're right Mike, Bill is a funny dude.

Posted by: Wayland at September 17, 2007 08:20 AM

His stuff isn't 'mentally challenging' because his idea of a punchline is putting the mic inside his mouth and talking.

Posted by: Anonymous at September 17, 2007 05:05 PM

His stuff isn't 'mentally challenging' because his idea of a punchline is putting the mic inside his mouth and talking.

Posted by: Anonymous at September 17, 2007 05:05 PM

I thought I liked him until I saw Viscious Circle.

God that entire routine sucked.

Posted by: man... at September 17, 2007 06:51 PM

The few things that Dane Cook has said have been stolen from other comedian's routines. Ask around. He's known as the worst for stealing material. One has to wonder if he's related to someone big in the business, somewhere. That's usually the case even when they don't admit to it.

Posted by: Comedy Dude at September 19, 2007 09:49 AM

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