And the Names of the Colossi were Lucifer and Bone Saw; Part 3 - February 29, 2008

(Reconditioning Batteries)

The first thing I noticed was a foot-sized hole in the inside of the door. Very comforting. Lucifer and Bone Saw were visibly shitfaced and tapping into a depleted liquor stash on the kitchen counter. Amid a dozen empty 750's, they found a bottle of sour apple Pucker's and a handle of Jose Cuervo. I immediately sensed doom. I cannot drink tequila straight up. Mixed in a drink? I'm fine. In a shot? I'm ralphing instantly. I can't even handle the smell. I've gagged just watching people do shots of the smoothest Patron. This left me in a predicament: I was going to be offered shots by Lucifer and Bone Saw, that was a given. It was also given that I wasn't going to be able to refuse them without looking rude and having my teeth being pried out of my lifeless head. My options were to either do shots of Cuervo and barf, or do shots of sour apple Pucker's...and barf syrupy green sludge after three of them.

"Here you go, brother. Down the hatch." Lucifer handed me a shot brimming with Jose Cuervo. It almost slipped out of my sweaty hands when I grabbed it. Fuck. Take it like a champ, Mike. Fuck. I slugged it back and set it down on the kitchen counter, immediately sensing the vile taupe liquid trying to force its way back up my esophagus and onto Lucifer's beard. My mouth started watering and my hands involuntarily balled up into tight fists. Knowing that I literally had seconds before the inevitable happened, I punched my own leg as hard as I could to distract myself from the nausea. Everybody in the kitchen was too busy doing their own shots to notice me. Thank God.

Lucifer and Bone Saw led the three of us into the living room. Timmy, Teddy and I sat down on a blue corduroy couch peppered with cigarette burns and what I hoped to Hell were stains from a yogurt spill. I wiped my palms on the knees of my jeans and looked around the room. A poster of an airbrushed wolf howling at the moon hung on the opposite wall. To my left, a Brookstone water fountain complete with water vapor fog effects babbled on the end table next to me. To my right, a Wiccan altar adorned with a bejeweled pewter dagger, a stone goblet half full of red wine, a worn leatherback copy of some weird tome, and rune stones scattered all about. The only normal thing in the room was the coffee table directly in front of us, and it had a Slayer logo crudely carved into it. We sat there together without a word for a few moments. The silence was palpable.

Timmy: "So Lucifer, have you like, killed anybody before?"

The air escaped from my lungs. I had vastly underestimated the stupidity of my best friend, and with one idiotic sentence he managed to put our collective safety on the endangered species list. Bone Saw looked down at his feet and said nothing. Lucifer looked into Timmy's eyes for what felt like a minute, not saying anything. Finally, he leaned forward in his chair, reached back and pulled an unsheathed 18" bowie knife out of the back of his jeans. Before any of us knew what to think, Lucifer made a movement that seemed far too quick given his gargantuan stature, and plunged the blade into the center of the coffee table with a hollow thud.

Lucifer: "You sure that's the kind a question you really want an answer to, brother?"

Timmy laughed, which prompted Lucifer and Bone Saw to laugh as well. Teddy and I shifted in our seats, unable to comprehend what just happened. Silence fell on the room again until our host came strolling down the stairs to join us.

Her name was Lexus, and she was definitely a witch. She was pale and skinny to the point of malnourishment, with scraggly brown hair strewn over her sunken, pockmarked face. She was probably in her late 30's but she looked older from the years of self-inflicted wear and tear. She wore a grey tank top that wasn't quite long enough to cover the C-section scar. Her L.E.I. Jeans were torn at the knees and had a strange black smear on the left thigh. She sat down on the stained carpet and said hello to us. Lucifer and Bone Saw almost immediately went into the kitchen to bring out more shots. Lexus followed behind shortly after. That was my first opportunity to ask Timmy how long he wanted to stay.

Timmy: "Dude, I don't know. Whatever. We'll stay as long as we want to, and when I say 'we', I mean 'me and Teddy'. You are uncontrollably lame."

I whispered as loudly as I could without our hosts hearing me. "I'm sorry, am I the only person that is noticing the MASSIVE CROCODILE DUNDEE KNIFE STICKING OUT OF THE FUCKING TABLE?!? DOES BEING WEIRDED OUT BY THAT MAKE ME UNCONTROLLABLY LAME?!?"

Teddy: "Yeah dude, that's kinda freaking me out, too. I can't stop looking at it. I mean...Lucifer just stuck a knife in the fucking coffee table. He had a fucking gigantic blade tucked into his ass crack!" Teddy started showing the beginnings of sobering up a bit.

Timmy sighed disappointedly and went to go fuck with Lexus' stereo. "I'm going to put some fucking metal in. Hopefully it'll toughen you two Nancy's up a little."

We sat on the couch and listened to Timmy's new Vehemence album for a while before we realized that Lucifer, Bone Saw and Lexus had been gone for awhile. Timmy got up and brought some more shots in. He set a sour apple Pucker's shooter down in front of me, obviously an attempt to calm me down. "Uh, yeah, they're all in the bathroom together."

Me: "Great. That's great. We're in fucking Gangland, sitting in an all-but-abandoned house with two One Percenters that we only met because they passed out on your lawn, some creepy witch that looks like the Cryptkeeper in his 40's and a fucking broadsword driven into the table in front of us...and all three of our hosts are in that tiny bathroom together doing God knows what kind of drugs. Oh yeah, AND LUCIFER MIGHT HAVE KILLED PEOPLE BEFORE!!! Timmy, let's leave. Let's just leave now." I took my emerald Sweet Valley High shot and grimaced.

No sooner did I say that did Lucifer, Bone Saw and Lexus saunter back into the living room. Lucifer and Bone Saw plopped down on individual recliners and Lexus made sure we all had shots of Cuervo to do together. Great, more Tequila. I'm not sure my leg is going to be able to take this kind of punishment. Lucifer and Bone Saw looked like they had just come out of an anesthetic fog; drifting in and out of consciousness and staring at the ceiling with glazed over, watery eyes. I stared at them for awhile, silently going over a list of drugs they might have done. Ecstasy? No, that would take way longer to kick in, even if they snorted it. Special K? Who the fuck does K anymore? Heroin? Were they just doing fucking heroin? Yeah, they must have. Jesus Christ. The only real question is whether they were snorting it or cooking it. Jesus fucking Christ, I'm in a fucking smack shack with a pair of Outlaws. I downed my shot and punched my leg immediately, hoping that the pain would once again numb the watery-mouthed nausea that tequila delivered.

No such luck.

I bolted up, ran to the bathroom and slammed the door shut. I could hear everybody in the living room laugh in between heaves. I allowed myself to get a good ten seconds of vomiting in before I stood up, struggling to stop the stomach contractions. I looked in the mirror. I was sweating bullets and my chin was glistening with fresh bile. It's no wonder the ladies can't keep their hands off you, Mikey my boy. As I rinsed my mouth out and patted my face down, I noticed something lying underneath the cabinets below the sink. I bent down and picked it up, thinking I happened to knock something over in my haste.

It was a spoon. A spoon with brownish black char on its concave side, bluish pink flame discoloration on the other. I put the spoon back down where I found it. My stomach dropped and I puked again, this time out of panic. My main concern was no longer holding my tequila.

A wave of laughter and applause greeted me as I walked back into the living room. I noticed that the sun was just starting to come up, bathing everything in light blue and highlighting just how filthy the Berber carpet was. I reclaimed my seat on the couch and, sure enough, another shot of Cuervo was sitting in front of me on the coffee table. Everybody laughed when I noticed it. I cracked a smile, but couldn't muster a laugh. I was beyond sketched out. My stomach was in knots and I was perspiring heavily; partly from retching, partly from sheer terror. It was clear we were in a house with three heroin addicts, two of them genuine threats to our well being (all of them if you count AIDS and Hepatitis C). Was their plan to lure us somewhere unfamiliar and rob us? Heroin addicts don't typically work with an unlimited budget. Lucifer and Bone Saw certainly weren't big time Hollywood actors throwing a tragically hip needle feast; they were old, rough and tumble bikers living in Manchester, New Hampshire, who invited three young strangers to their place on the wrong side of the tracks and booted dope right in front of them. I knew I had to get us out of that house as soon as humanly possible, but our exit had to look natural. Who knew what those guys would do if they snapped out of their opiate daze as we stumbled our way out. In the middle of my scheming, Lucifer, Bone Saw and Lexus got up and shuffled through the kitchen together to fix another spike full of Major Tom.

Me: "Guys, listen to me. When I was in the bathroom a while ago, I saw a burned up spoon on the floor. These guys are slamming dope. We need to get the fuck out of here right now, either while they're in the bathroom now or casually when they come out. This is no longer a fucking joke; we can't be around this."

Teddy's eyes lit up like a pinball machine and his mouth gaped. "What?! Dude, are you fucking serious?! Yeah dude, it's time to split. Let's finish these shots and bounce."

Timmy: "Teddy, Mike is probably just making this shit up so that we'll finally leave and he can scrub the fish stink out of his cunt. Don't even listen to him."

I would be lying if I said I didn't see Timmy's response coming from a mile away. His trademark "booze horse blinders" were up and they weren't coming down for all the tea in China. I had actually planned on him being unable to take my word for it, especially because making something up like that would be an underhanded ploy that I might have tried to pull at another time. He knew me well, and I knew then that he was going to have to see the spoon to believe me. That meant we were going to stick around until the three junkies fell out of the bathroom. By then it could be too late.

Me: "Timmy, when they get out of the bathroom, I want you to go in there and look for yourself. If you see a burnt spoon, can we get the fuck out of here?"

Timmy grabbed the shot of tequila that was sitting in front of me. "Sure thing, Joe Isuzu. I'll be sure to let you know if I find any burned spoons, unicorns or Excalibur." He downed the shot as the trio returned from the bathroom. Lucifer and Bone Saw looked like the living dead; ghastly pale and sweaty with dark circles under their eyes. I looked at Teddy. The dangerous reality of the situation was starting to register with him. Timmy walked into the bathroom right after and mentioned aloud about something smelling like burning plastic. Lexus nervously exclaimed that she had burned incense in the bathroom. Teddy and I looked at each other, thinking the same thought. I heard the toilet flush, and out came Timmy. Cold, hard reality slapped him in his face.

Timmy: "Yeah, it's getting light out. We should probably jet."

Timmy went to shake hands with Lucifer and Bone Saw, only to find that they were both passed out in their recliners. We said our goodbyes to Lexus, who demanded that we stay and take one more shot of tequila with her. I declined, and was just about to open the side door when I heard Timmy say something so foul that it makes me queasy just typing it out.

Timmy: "Mikey, you should totally do a body shot off of Lexus before we leave."

"Yeah Timmy, that's hilarious. I'll pass. It was nice meeting you, Lexus." I laughed it off, but Timmy's passing recommendation managed to send shivers up my spine. Lexus looked like she had an agitated case of tuberculosis; not exactly the most elegant specimen from which to drink.

Lexus looked at me with longing, seductive cougar eyes. "Oh come on, you party pooper. I promise I won't bite." My mouth watered from nausea again. With her biker buddies passed out, she was definitely looking to get fucked by one or more of us.

"Fuck yeah. DIY, baby. Take that shot, brother." Lucifer had managed to mouth his approval before slipping back into his golden brown coma.

I looked at Teddy, the only person in the house other than me with some semblance of self control and understanding of the gravity of the situation. I wanted him to interject on my behalf and get us the fuck out of there.

Teddy: "Just do it, Mike. You have to."

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fucking shit. I fucking hate my friends. Fuck. "Okay, I'll do it."

Lexus laid back and poured a shot of tequila into her cavernous navel. Timmy tossed her a salt shaker from the kitchen. She grabbed it, licked her hand, smeared it on her neck and then sprinkled salt all over the moistened portion of her neck. I held back a dry heave as I watched her try to make it all look sexy.

Lexus: "Sorry, tiger. We ran out of limes earlier."

Sorry, you crusty, scabby cum slut. I'd rather chase this with a fucking Lysol wipe after putting my tongue on your bean bag mom stomach. I got on my knees, moved up to her neck and coated my tongue with salt as she groaned and gyrated. I took a deep breath, leaned in and slurped the Mexican bathtub grog out of her lint trap as her C-section scar smiled back at me. I choked and gagged. The nausea hit me from all angles. I stood up, leaving Lexus on the floor, and walked outside without saying a word. Timmy and Teddy chuckled as they followed behind.

We piled into the Echo and headed back to Timmy's apartment. The clock on the dash read 6:30 a.m. Timmy and Teddy laughed until they cried as they went through a drunken postmortem of the previous five hours. Silently, I stared at my feet with my arms crossed. My eyes stung from lack of sleep. Teddy turned to me in the back seat, soaked in my pure disgust for him, and pointed and laughed at me. That's when I threw up all over the back of Timmy's car. Timmy screamed bloody murder. Retribution was mine.

Posted by KungFu Mike at 12:41 PM

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Fabulous, Mike...I want to see many more of these!!

Posted by: Judy at February 29, 2008 01:59 PM

wow, this is why you love NH.
thanks for not filtering...
you've got skills.

Posted by: rmliy at February 29, 2008 02:02 PM

"I took a deep breath, leaned in and slurped the Mexican bathtub grog out of her lint trap as her C-section scar smiled back at me."
- one of the funniest things I've ever read
Keep writing KungFuMike

Posted by: Untouchable at February 29, 2008 03:41 PM


Posted by: Chiz at February 29, 2008 05:50 PM

FN great! I laughed all the way through this!

Posted by: Dirty Jon at February 29, 2008 07:24 PM

Wow...yeah your friends suck. When was the last time you hung out with those two jewels?

KUNGFU MIKE EDIT: Yeah, those are my best friends in the world. I hang out with them all the time.

Posted by: Wayland at March 2, 2008 01:04 PM

I couldn't tell you how many times my radar has gone off in my life with the "Holy Shit, we need to get the fuck outta here NOW" vibe when everyone else is "oh come on man,they're cool, we're cool, we're all fucking cool." I can really relate. Nice retribution!

Posted by: Funky at March 3, 2008 12:48 PM

Best friends are...well the best. Mine are like brothers and they're not always the greatest people but when you're best friends it goes beyond superficial bullsh*t. Read ya later bro.

Posted by: Wayland at March 3, 2008 04:11 PM

Awesome writing. So real that I actually got dizzy toward the end. I think i might throw up now.

Posted by: JP at March 5, 2008 05:38 PM

HAHAHA...Great fuckin stories topped off with excellent writing.

Posted by: Nick at April 15, 2008 09:40 PM

Jesus. That is one fantastically bad night.

Posted by: blizzardwolf at June 7, 2008 08:52 PM

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