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A Very Special Loser of the Week; Eric Schaeffer - February 1, 2007

(Reconditioning Batteries)

One of these things - isn't like the other,
One of these things - doesn't belong.

I knew before I started writing up the newest Loser of the Week that it had to be a special one. In the past, I've destroyed single mothers who celebrate their c-section scars by modeling lingerie for their MySpace profiles. I've butchered 'roid shooting, omnisexual Jersey guidos and I've systematically dislodged the delusions of personal beauty that obese, amateur erotic fiction writers keep stuffed in their pastrami sandwich pussies. As I sat down to write, I wondered which internet personality might sit in the model's chair and allow me to paint a true-to-life portrait gruesome enough to threaten the boundaries of what even the most calloused internet-surfing mouth breather would consider tasteful?

I searched high and low for weeks, even enlisting reader submissions for who they thought would be a worthy candidate to wear the sash and tiara of the Loser of the Week. I rummaged through more than one hundred depraved, boner eradicating MySpace profiles. I was about to put the whole thing on the backburner for a while when it came to me like a lightning bolt out of a clear blue sky - the Loser of the Week was standing right in front of my face the whole time. I mean, Gawker tried to do something similar, but asking Gawker to properly ridicule someone is like handing your math homework to a pile of mulch.

Ladies and gentleman, allow me to introduce to you a husk of a human being that really needs no introduction; a man whose entire film career--both in front of and behind the camera--can only be seen in a positive light by atheists because no just God would ever ask for his devotees to witness something so faith shatteringly awful. He is a man whose train wreck of a personal life and hilarious lack of self awareness is the only thing keeping his name accessible in a Google search.

Ladies and gentleman, one hand clapping against the other makes a great sound for our newest Loser of the Week; director, producer, actor and Rudius Media writer Eric Schaeffer.


Unlike JetBlue, Schaeffer allows his customers to carry on over 100 lbs of baggage - all stowed generously under his eyes.

Eric Schaeffer, 45, hails from New York City, where he - well, where he does nothing but masturbate to his stable of failed film projects and spend his dwindling funds on yoga classes so he can feign inner serenity while in close proximity to young women in compromising positions. You might remember him from such movies as Wirey Spindell, Mind the Gap and Fall. You don't remember those titles? That's ok, neither does anybody else.

When he isn't single- handedly supporting the female self defense class industry, Eric is pouring his heart and what he calls a soul onto the pages of "I Can't Believe I'm Still Single", a website hosted and edited by *trumpets* dun-da-da-da-daaaaaaaaaaaaa - Rudius Media.

In the spirit of sticking to my Myspace Loser of the Week guidelines, I'll start digging through the stinking leech field that is Eric Schaeffer the old fashioned way - by dusting off the old Insecure Rambling - to - English Decoder and recalibrating it so it can handle what we are about to feed into it...the "about me" section of . Here is the summary printout:

***

I'm vegan but started eating meat again last year and now call myself a vegan who eats meat, how annoying am I with that. I won't ever leave you if you're honest with me.

I won't even leave you if you leave me. How do you like them apples? I'm underneath your bed.

Unless you're honest about f#ucking around on me or say something like "If you were 10 pounds thinner I would have blown you by now" like the last girl I dated said. Then I will leave you for sure.

Please see through my thinly veiled attempt at putting my foot down. Don't go!

I love life easily. snowflakes and lunch in Paris on a whim.

Even if I had enough money to do Paris on a whim, I wouldn't because I am morbidly afraid to leave New York City unless I am going to my place in Vermont to run away from the invisible dragons that circle my apartment. I hide my phobia by telling people that I am afraid to leave my own apartment out of fear of being noticed by fans, even though they would probably believe the invisible dragon story first.

A funny kid on the subway. A walk in the park holding your hand, a week on the beach, a weekend in Vermont in a funky old farmhouse, a yoga retreat in Mexico. uptown and downtown. Love to be as sexy as I am and love to talk to you as much as you like to tell me things.

I'm - too sexy for success - too sexy for success - my life's a fucking meeessssss.

I'm a man and a boy.

I'm a man and a boy having sex trapped inside the body of a pedophile.

Completely ready and know how to love and be loved.

I will love you if you pet my head and call me Wirey Spindell. I am lying. I will love you if you put that rape whistle down. I mean, unless you want me to rape you...

Sane and crazy.

INSECURE RAMBLING TO ENGLISH DECODER ERROR #891: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Dirty and soft.

Dirty like my boxer briefs after watching Spartacus, soft like...well, like after watching Spartacus.

Will melt with you and be your rock and support you like a tidal wave.

The only things about me that are remotely similar to a tidal wave are the films that I backed with my own money. They left me soaked and a lot of people crying.

Thoughtful, considerate, respectful and attentive.

These are the words that I carve into the bodies of women I meet on Myspace before I eat them.

Smell good, in great shape. (Sometimes apparently could lose 10 pounds but not all the time and you wouldn't notice if I did)

Sometimes I substitute food for women. That's how I got the idea to pour bleach all over my food after I've throw its half eaten carcass in the trash.

shit, I'll go out with myself here pretty soon if I'm as good as I sound. Let's go already. I'm getting really tired of not having you as my space heater under the blankets.

I slather my Real Doll in Icy Hot before I go to bed, but it's just not the same. Burning and tingling on my testicles isn't the same as having the circulation to them deliberately cut off with the alligator clip ends of jumper cables.

oh yeah, and I eat chocolate cake out of the trash in the middle of the night and still think that Con Ed van parked in front of my building has me under surveilance.

Oh yeah, and I eat chocolate cake out of the trash in the middle of the night and know that Con Ed van parked in front of my building is actually Dateline waiting for me to walk out the door so that they can catch me getting fly tackled by the police for not respecting the boundaries of multiple restraining orders.

And if all this seems too poetic and you want something a little more concrete... If you're on medication or have sexual abuse in your story, unless you've done serious SERIOUS work to heal, while I have no judgment and nothing but empathy, I can't do it.

I prefer to defecate on a pure, white canvas.

I watch football and golf on Sundays. I like space as much as I like to cuddle and I'm a notoriously bad sleeper. I love dogs and love that you love them too, unless you're more into them than people and will stop on the street when we're in the middle of an important conversation and start baby talking to someone else's toy Poodle.

I hate that toy poodle. It won't stop talking to me! Doesn't that dog understand that I am the Eric Schaeffer? I have a farm house in Vermont for Christ's sake. Doesn't the girl I'm hanging out with understand that I am THE Eric Schaeffer?! WHY WON'T THE VOICES IN MY HEAD STOP?!? RAAAHHHHH!!!


"Ugh, this coffee is sooooo pedestrian."

Allergic to cats. I'm a bad speller and if you have "partner in crime" "make me laugh" or "he's a good speller" anywhere in your profile, God bless you but please stay away.

However, if you have "loves to put lotion on the skin" or "I like to make tinfoil helmets for my man so that the CIA won't steal his life force" in there, shoot me a message, lover.

If things like how well I spell or the difference of two inches anywhere on my body stand in the way of your dream come true, then again, God bless you but we're not gonna be a love connection. (One girl wrote me thinking this meant I have a two inch dick....uhhhh, that's not what I meant. 5'8 instead of 5'10? Get it? Anyone? 32, 34, or a 36 inch waist? Anyone?)

I just can't understand how that girl didn't understand what I was talking about. I mean Jesus, she's in 11th grade, she should be able to sense subtlety and self-effacing humor by now. That is the last time I bail out black teen mothers from The Tombs on a Sunday morning.

life's too short. I gave up those childish dealbreakers a long time ago.

Dealbreakers = Sanity, talent, and anal virginity. And friends.

"Preferences" are just that. Not "absolutes." Get in the game.

E-S Sports; I'm In the Game ™

I will say though that if you don't shave your legs, you're out. "Is he joking?"

Unless you are a dude that can keep a secret, then you are definitely in. In my ass. In my mouth. Is he joking? Unfortunately, no.

and yes, I like bad reality TV. And I hate to read... But I'll still beat you at scrabble and that'll make you really mad. But I'll make it up to you baby. Aaaaaaaaaaaaanyway you want.

SYSTEM FAILURE_MESSAGE 404 INSECURE RAMBLING TO ENGLISH DECODER OVERHEATING. PRESS CTRL+ALT+DLT TO CONTINUE

Eric - from your unbelievable lack of social ability to the staggering failure that is your personal and professional life, you have wooed the staff of Loser of the Week to the point that no other contestant could possibly be worthy enough to wear the sash and tiara. Your gift basket includes a pair of shoe lifts, a copy of Screenplays for Dummies, and a mirror to place in front of your computer desk, so when you are writing about the secrets of women conquering and how much more emotionally evolved you are than everyone else, you can see the pained, gut wrenching, closeted tears streaming down your own face as you shuffle to the side everything that is honest and true about yourself. Take a bow. Go on, strut!

Namaste,


~KungFu Mike

Posted by KungFu Mike at 9:53 PM

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Comments

Out of all the Rudius authors (and even message board members), I fully expected this from you. Nonetheless, still well written and completely fucking hilarious.

Your murder/suicide edit today was subtle, yet poignant.

Posted by: at February 1, 2007 11:04 PM

His writing is wayyy lame.

Seriously, thank you.

Posted by: CumDumpsteR at February 1, 2007 11:15 PM

Yeah dude, he pretty much sucks. That text message part had me rolling. Congrats on the best MySpace Loser of the Week thus far.

Posted by: GPT987 at February 1, 2007 11:28 PM

Now that is the stuff Gawker should have been posting. Hilarious.

Namaste,
Jane.

Posted by: at February 1, 2007 11:51 PM

Damn. Burn. Be careful though, don't want him to trap you in a corner somewhere and ramble you to death.

Posted by: Captain Canada at February 2, 2007 12:22 AM

Halfway through I forgot what was his myspace and what your commentary on it was. Yet really it made no difference; he sounds stupid enough to write most of those things himself.

You barely scraped the surface of potential material too, that's the sad thing

Posted by: Mike at February 2, 2007 01:47 AM

I disagree. While I understand the purpose of your loser of the week series, and your targets are always well deserving of a reality check, I think Erics writing is, though massively emotional, completely sincere and worthy of respect. I do not concur with any of his stories, but neither I nor anyone else is in a position to judge this man. Your previous articles like this one were aimed at farce, delusional, fake, purely self-absorbed and trend washed cock huffers with an IQ only rivaled by room temperature during an ice storm, and for that I congratulate you! But Eric is atleast honest about his stand on things, be it disagreeable to any or not. And maybe you wouldn't, but if I, as your standard 20 year old male, got a little bit of attention from a chick as hot as Bunny, I'd go with whatever I thought she was telling me too.

Not a flame, just an observation.

Posted by: Jesse at February 2, 2007 01:48 AM

You sir, are a legend. I am inspired.

Posted by: David Jay at February 2, 2007 02:26 AM

Holy....shit.

HOOK A SISTER UP.

Posted by: at February 2, 2007 03:22 AM

and here i was imagining that the rudius media family all had potluck dinners together and played board games on tuesday nights.

Posted by: at February 2, 2007 06:07 AM

About time someone destroyed that guy, he is such a hack.

Posted by: Russell at February 2, 2007 09:07 AM

You rock, about time somoeone destroyed that hack. He needs to be booted off rudius, his writing brings down the entire company.

Posted by: Russell at February 2, 2007 09:12 AM

I guess I had the same screwed up idea like Toni had. I figured you all were pretty chill with each other. If anything, you could have gotten anyone on Rudius to devour and then vomit and poo out into this masterpiece of degradation. Very funny, especially the text part. I only wish I could have been there while you were doing it so I could have a play-by-play. I'm glad you finally chose your "loser". I still respect what Eric does as a writer and stuff. Good job.

-Wayland

Posted by: Wayland at February 2, 2007 09:35 AM

You had text sex with Eric Schaeffer? I can't decide if that's better or worse than eating the ashes of your father.

Posted by: BC Woods at February 2, 2007 10:00 AM

Wow that text exchange had me laughing so hard I had to stop laughing, physically stand up, lay down on the floor, then commence laughing while wiggling from side to side in order to justify the "rofl".

Posted by: blahblah at February 2, 2007 10:28 AM

Schaffers and Trixie's are the only blogs on rudius I have started to read, then bashed myself in the face with a hammer after deciding to keep reading after the first entry. I applaud you

Posted by: Jay at February 2, 2007 10:33 AM

Hilarious. And the guy is a real douche, thank you for properly pointing that out.

Posted by: ahoy at February 2, 2007 10:49 AM

Yeah, Schaeffer may tell way too much, and he's certainly narcissistic, but at least he's accomplished something in his life. They may be shitty movies, and he may be a shitty actor and writer, but he's written, starred in and directed several movies. Other than dressing up like a tard for Halloween and hijacking someone's text message conversation, what the fuck have you done? Hate on, hater.

Posted by: taco at February 2, 2007 02:09 PM

I think it really sucks that everyone likes to target this guy. His only crime is that he's too honest and sincere. Add that to the fact that the previous post featured KungFu Mike puking all over his own shoes, and Schaeffer really does start to seem more enlightened. Theres nothing wrong with a little positivity, and this here was just perfectly stupid and mean.

KungFu Mike is a cheap Tucker Max knock-off, and I'm done reading. I can get drunk and puke on my own shoes any time. At least Schaeffer makes me think.

Posted by: JSed at February 2, 2007 02:26 PM

KungFu Mike is a no good asshole! Can't you see that Eric cries when he forces himself on women?! CAN'T YOU SEE HIS TEARS?!? HE'S ONLY HUMAN!!! RAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Posted by: KungFu Mike at February 2, 2007 04:01 PM

This is absolutely priceless.

Posted by: Misanthropic at February 2, 2007 05:04 PM

I like Yoga and it's good shit, but this cocksucker is one of the reasons that I quit going to yoga classes. I couldn't stand the douchebag hypersensitive fucks like him that were coming into class wearing black spandex tights and constantly spouting off a bunch of psuedo spiritual/intellectual bullshit to whoever wanted, or didn't want to listen.

"my chakras are back in balance" or "how did you like that downward facing dog?" or "you wanna go grab a cup of vanilla chi after class, maureen?

Shut up asshole and get the fuck out my yoga class!

"He's honest..." Who gives a shit?

He's a spiritual fucking menace and a creepy fuck.

Whew...

Namaste

Posted by: Brian at February 2, 2007 05:10 PM

how is he even a rudius writer? i thought you had to prove yourself as a worthy asshole instead of a pathetic douchebag

Do you still feel all dirty from the text mess?

Posted by: Katy at February 2, 2007 06:53 PM

Some of you are saying 'at least he's successful, what has Kung Fu Mike done...'. Ok one, are you saying that just because he acted in a few films that nobody knows about, that makes his delusions of grandeur with someone doing him in his 'pink ass' ok? Two, Kung Fu is like what 20 years younger? You can't measure success by how much money you are worth or how many people read your blog. Success to me is how much people respect you and what you had to go through to earn that respect. And honestly, after reading this section, I'm not sure how anyone can respect this dumbass ever again. This guy is a fucking freak. 'Oh, but Schaeffer is just in his writings because at least he's honest'. So was Hitler...

Posted by: Gary at February 3, 2007 10:15 AM

pure comedic gold

"Eric Schaeffer was jerking off to text sex, with whom he thought was Bunny, fantasizing about being an infant and having his asshole fucked by his father while his mother watched."

Posted by: Kyle at February 3, 2007 10:51 AM

*Golf clap*

Posted by: Amega at February 3, 2007 02:17 PM

I enjoy KFM, DRex, Devil Monkey, PhilaLawyer, Tucker Max, etc. Therefore, I was awestruck when I was bored at work one day and decided to see what he was all about.

This guy fucking sucks. He invests all sorts of time and emotions to girls he meets on the internet, flies thousands of miles to meet them, and then wonders why they didn't fall in love in a weekend. Then, he writes about it for all the world to see(The Charleston story is the only one I read before I gave up on him forever). It's pathetic, pointless, and makes him look like a loser.

I didn't say anything because, like the others, I was under the impression that Rudius' authors were cool with each other. Frankly, I'm surprised that Rudius allows such an emotional and delusional pussy to even be associated with them, much less pollute it with his own material.

Posted by: C-Bird at February 3, 2007 03:03 PM

michael, i am forever traumatized by "pastrami sandwich pussies" and a real doll smothered in icy hot...traumatized and laughing at the same time, like most women's experiences with the KFM...

now i have to go look at this guy's site dammit. you're probably causing an increase of traffic to his site. oh i hope he retaliates! let the hair-pulling begin!

Posted by: at February 3, 2007 06:19 PM

It is hilarious to me that nobody even entertains the notion that this is intended as a comedic rib rather than an honest attack.

Posted by: Silver Dagger at February 4, 2007 08:48 AM

Everyone talks about how honest he is. The only thing that is honest about him is how he hides behind this intellectual/spiritual farce. If he was really honest we would go out an find a fucking wife by now and stop the BS. He pretends like he is above everyone else. I move we write in to Rudius and get this ass clown outta here.

Posted by: B-Real at February 4, 2007 09:12 PM

Dammit Mike, I'm sure you're causing a spike in his blog traffic cause while reading this I kept asking myself, "WHO?... no seriously, WHO?!?!"

After a brief trip to his blog I realize the true extent his douche-baggery.

If there is anything more annoying than the self-depricating "WAH WAH WHY AM I STILL SINGLE" song and dance it's the whole, "hey I live in New York, yeah I live in New York, did I mention I live in New York" attitude that is strewn conspicuously throughout his blog.

Fuck you Mike for making me read his blog... The over abundance of ocular estrogen has made my dick retreat into my stomach like a scared turtle.

Brb, gone to fish my dick out.

Posted by: Zach at February 5, 2007 05:17 PM

Regardless of "comedic rib", he is the only Rudius Media site that blows. When Tucker made a post about it, I thought to myself, "Cool! I always like new [Rudius] sites!" (Was it called Rudius then? I can't remember)

Anyway, after the first entry I was in disbelief. It wasn't worth reading at all. I just got the vibe "Raging toolbag fuckwit" anytime he talked about what he thought.

So maybe this is a comedic rib, and maybe Tucker really digs Erics site, but you know what? I fucking don't. And as such, I found this post to be absolutely hilarious! Easily the best Loser of the Week!

Posted by: The Great Cretaceous Bob at February 5, 2007 07:16 PM

Narcassist? Nope, try asperger's. Isn't it a bit hypocritical for him to not want you on meds when he either is or should be?

Posted by: J at February 6, 2007 08:25 AM

how exactly is he going to beat someone's ass at scrabble if he can't spell?

I read Eric's stuff when he posts it. And every time I finish a post, I can't help but think to myself, "yhea, that's exactly why you're still single."

Posted by: Anonymous at February 6, 2007 09:11 AM

This post is funny, but you should definitely make TheTrixie your next target. Her blog is easily more mind-numbingly stupid than Eric's.

Posted by: Blah at February 6, 2007 01:16 PM

you know, he doesn't specify WHAT meds...prozac, valtrex...happily i am on neither but it amuses me to no end that regardless, i don't meet his standards for date-ability.

Posted by: erratiKate at February 7, 2007 01:01 AM

Well, I think its funny.

however...anyone who doesn't think that eric schaeffer is hot is a big ugly meat twat.

Posted by: babyscrambler at February 7, 2007 11:47 PM

yeah, salon just wrote an article about him too. it's linked from gawker today so head there.

highlight: he "accidentally" raped his cousin when he was six. "we were playing mom and dad and i penetrated her but she didn't like it."

oh, and he claims he's given and taken anal with his 6 year old friends.

???!

Posted by: at February 8, 2007 12:15 PM

What's the girlfriend's myspace address???? "Melinda"??? Run, girlfriend, run now.

Posted by: IonaTrailer at February 8, 2007 02:39 PM

"This guy is a fucking freak. 'Oh, but Schaeffer is just in his writings because at least he's honest'. So was Hitler..."

reductio ad Hitlerum ...Ha Ha Gary I love it.


But seriously I have to agree. He is a creep.


Posted by: at February 12, 2007 05:44 AM

the entire thing is funny, but when i hit "E-S Sports; I'm In the Game™," well, that's when i lost my goddamned mind. bless you, sir.

Posted by: at February 12, 2007 03:48 PM

I actually love his writing. He makes some observations that are funny as shit. However, you're definitely right, he's a pretty big loser.

Posted by: at February 12, 2007 11:44 PM

WAIT A-
Where'd the text message part go?

Posted by: Fathead at February 16, 2007 02:48 AM

Hey, good fucking point, where'd the text message part go? That was easily the funniest part.

Posted by: The Great Cretaceous Bob at February 24, 2007 10:04 PM

Damn! I missed the text message part.

This was still one of the funniest things I have ever read.

Posted by: naomi at March 5, 2007 02:28 PM

interesting

Posted by: at March 26, 2007 04:21 AM

Cool}Cool!

Posted by: at March 29, 2007 05:41 AM

Cool}Cool!

Posted by: at March 29, 2007 11:55 AM

Nice!

Posted by: at March 29, 2007 02:08 PM

His about me makes him sound like the guy who sticks his dick in the thickshakes at Mcdonalds.

Posted by: k at January 14, 2008 09:36 PM

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