A Love Letter to a Battered Housewife - December 2, 2006

(Reconditioning Batteries)

Dear [Battered Housewife],

From the moment we first met, I knew you that you and I were destined to be together. That face. That pristine face, not a mark, bruise or cut on you. You were like a blank canvas just waiting for your very own DaVinci to paint you into a black and blue masterpiece.

I remember asking you out for the first time. The beads of sweat on my forehead, the roses, your feet dangling in the air as I choked you when you said no...we were so young and carefree. Who knew that only three months later I would be at your door with a shotgun and an engagement ring? Remember that note I gave you? The one that said, "Wil U B My Wif?" and had the boxes you could check yes or no? Well baby, I still have that note tucked away in my good Wranglers, even made sure to put it in a plastic bag so that it would still smell like your hopeless tears when you opened it up years later.

Look at us. Look at us after all these years; we're still together, our love stronger than ever. Not only that, the doctor said that when your bone fuses back together after a break it becomes stronger than it was initially...so really I made you a strong woman. Anything for my baby.

My love burns for you just as strong as it did the first night I forced myself on you in the back of my Ranchero, just as strong as when you told your parents that you fell down the stairs...and it burns just as strong at the electric ring on the stove I make you grab when you forget the mayo on my sammich.

Baby - I love you, always and forever, and 'till death do you part.


~Your hubby

Posted by KungFu Mike at 4:32 PM

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Um...Mike? Are you okay?

Posted by: Wayland at January 8, 2007 10:01 PM

HAHA, Good one. Just discovered your site.Keep on with the funny stuff, thanks!

Posted by: Ryan B. at June 12, 2007 11:26 AM

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